“Why ‘Beautifully Borderline’?”

Having BPD certainly is not always beautiful, or maybe it never really is and this is just another one of my delusions. Some of us injure ourselves, leaving scars behind. We hurt people we love, not intentionally, but we do. We may have fits of rage that mimic the tantrum of a child, with the physical strength of an adult. We are sensitive to a fault which may cause us to break out in tears because heaven forbid you didn’t have a gigantic smile on your face for a split second. We may annoy you with our constant fear that you’re going to leave us. How could one possibly look at that and see beauty?

I’m not always sure. I have my times certainly that the last thing I’d label myself as is “beautiful”. I see scars, and I’m disgusted and ashamed. I ask someone, “Are you ok?” for the twentieth time in an hour, and start belittling myself for being so sensitive and worried all of the time. I physically cling to the one I’m with, and reprimand myself in my mind for being such a needy child.

But other times I look at all of these things and all I can come up with is that maybe I’m just a beautiful mess. Like an abstract piece of art that looks like a bunch of broken pieces all fit together to make one whole artistic piece of something that somehow just works. While other people walk around, using other people for their own amusement, and spending their lives trying to copy the lives of others, I love too hard and am permanently different.

I may not know who I am, but that means I’m constantly trying to find me. Along with that search comes an open mind to explore new things. To sum myself up, my borderline “traits” or symptoms (not sure), leave me feeling like this:

I know how it feels to feel different, and so I never leave anyone out. This leaves me with a lot of empathy for others. I’m that person that befriended the kid in school that everyone else was picking on, and started sticking up for them. I’m a voice for those that don’t have one, because I know how much it hurts to not be heard or to not be able to say what you need to say. I have intense emotions, so if you happen to get through my thick brick wall, I will love you with everything I have. This also means that you will be one of the very very few that gets to know and see more of the real me than I probably am even aware exists. When my emotions are high, I’m like a kid in a candy store; filled with uncontrollable  excitement and wonderment and adventure. With my black and white thinking, sure I see things as all terrible at times, but the flip side of that is that when in “white” thinking, everything is amazing to me. It’s like putting on a pair of glasses with super-HD lenses. I may literally stop and smell the roses.

So, that’s why “Beautifully Borderline”. One of the cognitive distortions we are known to engage in, is magnifying things. Well I think that many people magnify the negative in BPD. They talk about the polarized thinking (the black and white world of a borderline), but they only ever talk about the black side of things. If you flip all of that and take a look at the white side, each negativity brings with it a positive opposite, and I think those things are pretty damn beautiful.

15 thoughts on “About

  1. Beautifully put. I can relate to it all…you were describing me. I’m a new blogger (1 week). So if you don’t mind my sad looking site, come by and say hi. I look forward to reading much more of your eloquent and authentic posts. Hope

  2. Hello and thank you for writing this blog. My loved one has a bpd diagnosis and the honest way you write has been so helpful to me over the years as when I fail to understand what might be hidden and unsaid / unsayable we both get hurt. I am very grateful to you.

  3. Hi, I have been battling my emotions for many years now and have tried to find help many times. Mostly, people said I was fine and that I don’t need any treatment. Recently I was diagnosed with depression (because finally I felt depressed more than two weeks) which didn’t feel right either. Two days ago a new therapist said that I might have a mild form of BPD. I must say what you wrote describes me so well, I could have written it.
    It is truly beautiful! Thank you!

    1. Hi! While I’m very sorry to hear that you, too, are battling these mental demons, I’m happy to hear that you found my blog. I think one of the biggest things that has given me any peace of mind at all, is being able to communicate with other people who whole-heartedly understand. And not because they read some book about it, but because they live with it every day just like I’d do. And thank you for your comment. I really should start writing more. I have a Facebook page also. I write a lot of little poems or one-liners that I feel really hit the mark for us. No pressure to check it out. Just figured I’d like you know because some people really enjoy stuff like that. Thank you again. 🙂

  4. I loved your description of beautifully borderline. You perfectly captured the emotional chaos that is BPD. I was diagnosed with it last week after a long history of major depression, anxiety, and ptsd. Once I knew, its like things like finally started to make sense. I was that permanently different person you described, the one who loved too hard and could fall apart at any moment. I see the world in black and white, unfortunately a lot more black than the white you described but I feel it. Even though borderline and depression and all of these mental illnesses can take so much away from us, I feel like it also gives us something too. I wouldn’t be the person I am or feel the things I feel so deeply if it wasn’t for bpd, depression, whatever. It changes you, but I think for the better if you can see it. I really loved your description and am looking forward to reading more of your blog.

    1. Hi. Thank you very much. And believe me when I tell you that I am often times more on the black side of things also I just wanted my write to focus more on the positive spin to things. We are who we are. It’s hard but we are unique and while we are far from perfect we still have so much to offer. I also felt the same way when I got my diagnosis. You aren’t alone 🙂

  5. I love your website, its so enlightening. Its good that you share your feelings and knowledge with others so they can understand they are not alone. Suffering with Bipolar Disorder myself, I know first hand how important it is to share your struggle with others. We are born with this and there is no reason to be ashamed or hide what God has given us. Strength in numbers;

  6. I loved reading this! I have just been diagnosed with BPD and this was a breath of fresh air! I have experienced a lot of stigma and mean comments from people close to me. I can totally relate to everything! Thank you so much!

  7. I loved reading this! I have just been diagnosed with BPD and this was a breath of fresh air! I have experienced a lot of stigma and mean comments from people close to me. I can totally relate to everything! Thank you so much!

    1. Hi Whitney. For some reason I just now saw this by accident! Sorry for getting to it so late. Thank you for reading. There definitely is a lot of stigma that comes with the diagnosis, even from professionals who are supposed to help us. I’ve been denied services because of my diagnosis. Wrong? Hell yea, but what can I really do. Do you have a blog?

  8. My bpd boyfriend just “pushed” me away. Thanks for sharing the thought process. I don’t see him as crazy I love his beautiful soul and want him to know I love him and want to support him but I don’t know how. Can you give me any suggestions?

    1. Hi. I am sorry to hear this but it’s great that you are supportive and wanting to be there for him. I don’t know him and while we are all very similar, we are still all different. I guess the best you can do in regards to being pushed away is to not actually go away. If you let him push you away, it validates his fear that you will go.

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