Something, this evening, triggered a memory for me, and it was not a memory that felt good. When I was little, I remember planning to run away on many occasions. Sitting in my bed, crying, making a list of what I needed to take with me and I think all I could think of was a couple of clothes, and trying to get like $10 in cash and I would be set. I was probably around 7 or 8 years old when it started.
I never did run away though. I stayed. And of course now that I am grown I know that my not running away was the right thing to do. I may not be here today had I run away all those years ago. All that aside, though, I started questioning why I didn’t. I mean, I was absolutely miserable and I’m pretty good at making poor decisions so what kept me there?
Fear of the unknown. All the bad things that were in my life, were all familiar. Even though at times I experienced fear, I was familiar with that fear. I knew how to survive it and so I always chose to stay and not risk that I may end up in a worse situation than the one I was currently in at any given time. Then I realized that this theme of staying due to fear of the unknown, was present throughout my entire life even up until this very day.
For example, I am currently working full-time for a company that I really have come to dislike. I have been miserable with this company for a few years now, but I stay. And it is purely because I can’t risk that I would leave and end up in something worse. As much as I hate it, I have already adapted to it. Now in all honesty I have done some work on myself in this area recently so the situation isn’t affecting me mentally the way it previously was. I feel that makes the situation a little different, but before I was a total mental case because of the toxicity in my workplace and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. I felt I was near going inpatient again and everything.
So I guess I’m just trying to figure out why the fear of the unknown is just so scary for me? I’ve made plenty of risky decisions and have accomplished so much as a result. Why would I choose, for example, to stay in an unhealthy relationship because the prospect of being alone was WORSE?! I mean, that just goes to show how much hatred I had for myself. That my own company was worse than being with an abusive partner. How sad.
I am thankfully healed enough that I love my own company now and would never allow someone to treat me poorly like that ever again, but fear is unfortunately still a major variable in my life and I just have to keep working on changing that.