“Why ‘Beautifully Borderline’?”
Having BPD certainly is not always beautiful, or maybe it never really is and this is just another one of my delusions. Some of us injure ourselves, leaving scars behind. We hurt people we love, not intentionally, but we do. We may have fits of rage that mimic the tantrum of a child, with the physical strength of an adult. We are sensitive to a fault which may cause us to break out in tears because heaven forbid you didn’t have a gigantic smile on your face for a split second. We may annoy you with our constant fear that you’re going to leave us. How could one possibly look at that and see beauty?
I’m not always sure. I have my times certainly that the last thing I’d label myself as is “beautiful”. I see scars, and I’m disgusted and ashamed. I ask someone, “Are you ok?” for the twentieth time in an hour, and start belittling myself for being so sensitive and worried all of the time. I physically cling to the one I’m with, and reprimand myself in my mind for being such a needy child.
But other times I look at all of these things and all I can come up with is that maybe I’m just a beautiful mess. Like an abstract piece of art that looks like a bunch of broken pieces all fit together to make one whole artistic piece of something that somehow just works. While other people walk around, using other people for their own amusement, and spending their lives trying to copy the lives of others, I love too hard and am permanently different.
I may not know who I am, but that means I’m constantly trying to find me. Along with that search comes an open mind to explore new things. To sum myself up, my borderline “traits” or symptoms (not sure), leave me feeling like this:
I know how it feels to feel different, and so I never leave anyone out. This leaves me with a lot of empathy for others. I’m that person that befriended the kid in school that everyone else was picking on, and started sticking up for them. I’m a voice for those that don’t have one, because I know how much it hurts to not be heard or to not be able to say what you need to say. I have intense emotions, so if you happen to get through my thick brick wall, I will love you with everything I have. This also means that you will be one of the very very few that gets to know and see more of the real me than I probably am even aware exists. When my emotions are high, I’m like a kid in a candy store; filled with uncontrollable excitement and wonderment and adventure. With my black and white thinking, sure I see things as all terrible at times, but the flip side of that is that when in “white” thinking, everything is amazing to me. It’s like putting on a pair of glasses with super-HD lenses. I may literally stop and smell the roses.
So, that’s why “Beautifully Borderline”. One of the cognitive distortions we are known to engage in, is magnifying things. Well I think that many people magnify the negative in BPD. They talk about the polarized thinking (the black and white world of a borderline), but they only ever talk about the black side of things. If you flip all of that and take a look at the white side, each negativity brings with it a positive opposite, and I think those things are pretty damn beautiful.