The price for getting better is allowing yourself to get worse first

Ok…so it’s only a short period of time since I did the DBT  book reading and now I’m all sorts of emotional. Just reading about anything with BPD and and diving into things is just…well it opens Pandora’s box I guess.

I’m emotional. I’m sensitive. I hate it. I’m in push/pull mode. I want to push people so far away, yet I want to pull them in so closely at the very same time because feeling like this panics me. I hate this feeling.

BPD, I hate you.

I did it!

Day 1, done! I just got done reading chapter 1 of my DBT Skills Workbook. I decided I’m going to read one chapter a week, each Monday. Then the rest of the week I will spend a little time just going over the information and doing the activities in the book and really absorbing that chapter’s information. Good stuff 🙂 This week’s chapter discusses different coping techniques. I have to come up with a solid list of distraction techniques or a “distraction plan” for when my overwhelming emotions hit, and a couple of other plan lists that I can do to soothe myself when I’m home, and when I’m out of the home. There are lots of good ideas in the book.

I am going to do some meditation here shortly which will just consist of praying tonight.

I already have my alarm set for early tomorrow morning to go for a run. I have my running clothes all out and ready.

Lookout world, Mandi is coming! 😀

As usual, I will keep you posted!

Playing in traffic

I never knew I could be so happy being stuck in traffic on my way to a work appointment; but alas, it happened today. It wasn’t because I was lucky to feel that way. It wasn’t because there was actually something amazing happening out of it. It was simply because I chose to be happy!

I wasn’t looking forward to going back to work today. I mean, who is excited to wake up extra early on a Monday morning for a staff meeting and then get right to work after a week of vacation? Even without the vacation, most of us don’t look forward to Monday.

Then I read this post that talked about treating your current job as if it is your dream job and that is how you will eventually land your dream job. It’s all about staying positive people!

So this morning I thought, I’m going to be excited about work. I started thinking about all of the good things about my job, and boy are there some really great things. And I thought, “You know, I’m going to just believe that I am the most amazing at my job.” I finished my meeting and I even talked about those good things with others and by the time I left the office for my first appointment, I was so excited! On my way, I almost got into a terrible car accident (other guy’s fault) but I kept on and then I got into awful traffic that left me sitting in one spot for a good 10-15 minutes. I could have been angry that I was losing work time and money. Or angry that the flaggers simply were not letting our lane through. Or angry that….well the list goes on and on. Instead, I was so freaking excited and happy! I thought, FP is giving me a much needed rest. This is life’s way of giving me a little fun break! I turned up the radio and all of my favorite songs were coming on. I was singing and smiling and dancing, all while looking around and noticing people getting antsy and frustrated and I thought, “Why? Why would you choose to be angry? No matter how terrible you feel bad about this traffic, it’s not going to go anywhere! So just enjoy it!”

I thanked the FP for giving me that little fun break and before I knew it the traffic was let through. I was a little bummed! And so far my day is kickin’.

Tell yourself how amazing you are. No one else will believe it until or unless you do.  🙂

Shy: A personality trait, or a personality blocker?

So I’ve had this thought lately about shyness. I would describe myself as very shy in some contexts. I’m a weird human being though. I am polar opposites all in one and which one will show depends on a number of variables and the outcome can never be predicted.

Anyway. So, shyness. Most would say it is a personality trait. But is it? Shyness is what keeps your personality hidden. It’s what keeps you from really being who you are. Inside you may want to say this, or do that, but your shyness holds you back.

So, is shyness really a trait? Or is a blocker? Is it maybe even an emotion? Or perhaps it’s possibly closely linked with, yet is a more playful positive version of fear?

What do you think?

Childlike enthusiasm…anyone else?

So I feel like over the past year and a half I’ve really started sprouting into the person that I am. This is going to make no sense to some, and total sense to others (at least I think).

When I was first diagnosed with BPD my therapist at the time had told me that emotionally I was about 14 years old. This was actually interesting because it was that exact age that one of the most traumatic life events happened to me and I guess it sort of stunted my emotional growth.

Now, I’m not sure if it’s my youthful character, my “immaturity” and sometimes age regression tidbits that I guess come along with BPD (or so I’ve read), BUT I seem to have this childlike enthusiasm. I get really super excited about the smallest things. I get hyper. I get antsy. I want to get into everything. Is this just me? My personality? Is it my new lease on life? Is it me finally coming out? The me that I’ve hidden almost my entire life and now she’s breaking out to experience the world and of course she’s just a young thing. It could be so many different things.

My whole point in bringing this up is that I’ve seen that this quality attracts people. Who doesn’t like to feel that wondrous, curious, adventurous excitement of a child? We all miss it; admit it. Why do we lose that? Well I haven’t. I’m only just now starting to experience it because I never really could before, and people like it. And through all of that, I’ve realized that I really really love to make people feel good.

I may have issues. I may be twisted. I may be a list of diagnoses on a mental health form, but I kinda like me. I’m quirky, and it works. Most of the time anyway.

It was bleeding; It was fine; it was fun; it got fixed; I swallowed it…

WHAT a day. I feel like it’s been one thing after another for this “vacation”. Yes, I’m putting vacation in parenthesis because it hardly feels like a vacation in some ways. I’m here with my kids and my family. For starters, one week spent with anyone usually ends in irritability towards one another and an invisible magnifying glass that hovers over each person’s flaws and annoying characteristics.

For starters, anyone who calls a trip with your children a vacation, is WRONG. It’s just an extension of your normal life, except this one has no routine, and costs you triple the money you’d normally spend in any given week. There’s no bedtime, it’s all about them, etc….it’s worse than regular life in some ways! I’m ready to go home! Back to bedtimes, home cooked meals, and my own room!

I forgot to bring some of my schoolwork so that screwed me and landed me a bad grade. The day we were to leave to come here, I got my period. Great Aunt Flow. Way to show up just in time for a vacation in the warm weather where there is bound to be lots of bikini wearing, pools to swim in, and water parks to venture through. Not to mention your bloated baggage full of cramps and a mixed bag of a whole bunch of other goodies we call symptoms.

Then yesterday, I got on a water ride. I hate water, really. I did it for the kids. I tried to make it a fun day. I hurt my tailbone BAD when I was a kid. But yesterday, I got on this tube that was supposed to speed down this slide, and in the process, it defied gravity with me, then gravity won and threw me back down only to land me directly on my tailbone. I made it about 10 feet down the slide before this mishap led me right into a teary-eyed half wailing mess.  When I got back to the hotel,  I realized it was bleeding! Not cool.

Today, I had the joy of almost throwing up when I got out of the bed because a shooting pain went through my tailbone. It got a little better throughout the day. We trudged on through animal kingdom. Normal day. I was in an up and down mood and when it was down…it was WAY down. Then we got pulled up to dance with the African men that were playing instruments. That was fun 🙂

Oh but then. We came to eat and they messed up the bill. The one girl fought with me, til she got the manager who then fixed my bill. Then while eating I accidentally bit, broke, and swallowed the ball to my tongue ring. Lovely.

Oh and believe me. I’ve run into idiot after idiot in this place on an hourly basis. I came here a sweet, excited, fun-loving gal, and this crowd has turned me into a fuming, careless, sailor-mouthed girl who isn’t biting her tongue any longer; just her tongue ring.

I need a vacation.

Which cookie would you eat?

So my friend and I are having this conversation about love. I don’t believe love like in the movies really exists. I have my reasons and I could go on and on about them here, but I won’t. But I just said something to him that sort of felt like a good analogy.

My thought is that I’d rather just not have love. I mean, yea, if it were somehow guaranteed that I’d never get hurt, ok. But that doesn’t happen. So, here’s my cookie analogy:

Love, to me, is like someone giving me the option of cookie A) a disgusting cookie. It tastes yucky, but it’s edible. Or B) The most delicious tasty cookie but it will kill you after you eat it.

I’ll take 10 boxes of the yucky cookie please. Fuck the love cookie of death. No thank you.

I’m an expert mental tightrope walker

I’m feeling exceptionally borderline today; or lately, rather. I hate it. Certain things are HUGE triggers me for, and sadly, it’s things I’d love to have…I think? However, the mere thought of them sends me teetering frantically on the edge. It’s no wonder I avoid those things in real life, but I avoid the thoughts of them at all costs as well. What a way of life, huh?

I often wonder how fair it is that our biggest triggers are also our biggest needs.  I’ve been contemplating the thought lately, with all the latest “energy and FP” insight I’ve been gaining, if I can rid of BPD by just, simply deciding it to be gone? It seems unrealistic but by believing in it, is it not true? This one is tricky.

I’ve been fighting this for what feels like an eternity. It ruins a lot of things; if not everything; or so it seems. It definitely ruins relationships, or any chance of them, or any desire to have them.

I’m in exceptional internal emotional pain right now.

I’ve never felt this until today…

So today is my birthday. I’ve never really been crazy about my birthday. It was just another day. In fact, I get really uncomfortable when people draw attention to it or try to celebrate it.

Today, however, was different. For starters, one of my very biggest bestest friends ever stayed up until midnight with me just to be the first to wish me a happy birthday. The way he went about it was so special too. Then, my other really very good friend and lab partner, well he makes me feel pretty special often, but today was just wow. He called me today and left me a voicemail singing happy birthday to me. Then today when I got home I had a package at my door. He had a star named after me…he named it Rockstar which is what he calls me all the time. Every morning he tells me he appreciates me. Then on Facebook my sister posted a picture of us as kids. She said that I was wickedly funny, caring, smart, and beautiful. One of my clients (an autistic child) and her grandmother and great grandmother put together a little gift bag. To top it all off, my daughter and her friend just sang happy birthday to me when I opened the door.

Right now while I’m typing this I’m holding back tears.

It was at the very moment that I looked back on all of the sweet things today and I realized that I, for the very first time felt…special and appreciated. I have never felt that before. It feels good. I can never again tell myself that no one cares.

I kind of like my birthday now. It feels really really good to be loved, cared about, and appreciated. Wow. Thank you.