There’s a huge part of me that enjoys being a loner. People generally get on my nerves. So many are closed-minded, judgmental, self-centered, and the list goes on. But then there are times that I daydream about what it’d be like to have friends. Or I get close to having one and it feels SO amazing…and then it happens.
That moment that I get just a little too close to that person. The safety wall has been disassembled just a little too far and I suddenly feel overexposed, vulnerable, and like my entire being is covered in a gigantic wound and the exposure itself causes me such immense pain that I can’t build my wall back up fast enough.
For a moment in time I sit there, in the midst of engaging with this new “friend” and I shut down. BPD sets in and I feel angry, hateful, defensive, and the list goes on. Then I realize that those feeling are really just a mask for the feelings of inadequacy, fear of rejection, fear as a whole, defenselessness, low self-esteem, self-consciousness, and the incredible pain covering every inch of me that I don’t know how to stop.
I thought I was getting better, but I simply hadn’t gotten close to these triggers in a long time. Now I’m discouraged, confused, afraid, and uncertain of what to do next.
Go away, BPD. I just want to be me.