BPD…can I please have friends?

There’s a huge part of me that enjoys being a loner. People generally get on my nerves. So many are closed-minded, judgmental, self-centered, and the list goes on. But then there are times that I daydream about what it’d be like to have friends. Or I get close to having one and it feels SO amazing…and then it happens.

That moment that I get just a little too close to that person. The safety wall has been disassembled just a little too far and I suddenly feel overexposed, vulnerable, and like my entire being is covered in a gigantic wound and the exposure itself causes me such immense pain that I can’t build my wall back up fast enough.

For a moment in time I sit there, in the midst of engaging with this new “friend” and I shut down. BPD sets in and I feel angry, hateful, defensive, and the list goes on. Then I realize that those feeling are really just a mask for the feelings of inadequacy, fear of rejection, fear as a whole, defenselessness, low self-esteem, self-consciousness, and the incredible pain covering every inch of me that I don’t know how to stop.

I thought I was getting better, but I simply hadn’t gotten close to these triggers in a long time. Now I’m discouraged, confused, afraid, and uncertain of what to do next.

Help me.

Go away, BPD. I just want to be me.

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2 thoughts on “BPD…can I please have friends?

  1. Hello there, I know you don’t me and I know it’s scary. My significant other has BPD and I know how hard it can be. I am not judgmental, close-minded or self centered. I gave all of that up when I fell in love with my BPD love. If you need someone who understands BPD and all that comes with it, I would gladly be your wordpress friend, or possibly more. I will gladly listen when you feel ready to explode, and I will gladly sit in silence as you contemplate what to do next. I’ve been there with my BPD love, I understand the feeling isn’t great. I’m here and I support you. -AxeGIrl

  2. Hi. Thank you very much. I appreciate how it must be for you as the partner of someone with BPD. I think it’s great that you are there for that person through the challenges 🙂 I’d love to hear more of your comments anytime!!!

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