Living in the now and where is that coming from?

So due to this whole big thing going on in my life that I’m not disclosing details about, I’ve really learned a few things. I’ve conceptually known these things before but now I feel like I’ve really grasped a full understanding of them and I’m really trying to use them.

Living in the now…

I spent quite a bit of my day yesterday, and most of my morning today, sobbing, crying, bawling, etc. It was one of those types that no matter what you are doing, tears are streaming from your eyes even if you aren’t actively crying, but of course randomly you would burst out into a full on sob. I did this up until I pulled into the parking space at my first appointment for work. I had to sit in my car for a few extra minutes to force it to stop because I couldn’t dare walk in like that.

During work, I was forced to stop feeling which left me with only thinking. This turned out to be a really good thing. BPD is SO much feeling and it makes it really hard to think straight. Stepping away from those emotions allowed me to think through a lot of things and I realized that all of those emotions were coming from my not living in the now. I was too busy thinking ahead to the future, and thinking about what I am assuming the future will turn out to be. I could be right, yes, but I could be wrong. Either way, I’m missing out on a lot right now by living in the future and I’m not saving myself anything even though I often argued that I was preparing myself for the future, or that I was simply bringing the inevitable to the now. Who the heck am I to say what will happen in the future? And preparing? Bull crap. I’m only causing extra pain.  Which leads me into…

 

Where is that coming from?

Aside from realizing that my emotions were coming from my assumptions about and my living in the future, I started to pay attention to my behavior. I realized that the way I was approaching the situation in regards to a specific person, wasn’t coming from a place of love. I was in pain and I was being short with my responses, and even slightly ignoring this person because I was hurting and I wanted it to be clear to them. That’s not the person I want to be and that certainly doesn’t make me feel any better. So before I would do anything, I knew what I wanted to do and then I’d ask myself, “Where is that coming from?” I often found that the underlying feeling I was reacting to were mostly feelings of fear, or sadness. Mostly fear.

So, I’m not saying I’m no longer sad. I’m going to be sad. It’s something to be sad about for sure, but I don’t need to waste away the time I have right now by not also being happy about what I have in front of me while it is still here.

So that’s what I’ve learned. It’s not easy, and I’ll fall I’m sure, but I at least have a new understanding I can continue to work on. Take that BPD!

 

In the dark

It’s been awhile since I’ve been here. I’ve been hit a few times by BPD recently, but today was worse.

Today was more. Today I’ve been smothered, pummeled, beaten, kicked when I was down, and BPD just is continuously torturing me. I feel like it’s laughing at me. Like it wants me to die.

I haven’t felt this awful for so long. The pain inside is so severe I feel like it’s starting to seep out through my skin like an invisible disease and I just want to kick and scream and scratch and claw at myself to get it out of me.

I’m hurting. I’d rather be stabbed right now than go through this. I haven’t had the urge to self-harm for so long but right now I’m battling it. It just hurts so bad. I’m sitting alone in the middle of my bed and I’m so lost. I’m so confused. I’m so consumed with pain.

I wish it would just take me. Just finish me off, ya know? My mind is so clouded. I feel like I’m drowning.

Down, down, down….

BPD…you scare me :(

I was really triggered this weekend. My friend came over and we hung out Saturday to Sunday. A couple of topics came up and I was really messed up inside. I’m not sure if he really knew. I mean, he knew that I was bothered but I don’t know how much it really showed on the outside? I managed to get distracted by something and I was fine the rest of the night, but at one point I wasn’t so sure how it was going to go down. I was on the brink of breaking down.

When I think about it, or think about certain things…it just terrifies me. BPD scares me. I feel like it’s this evil villain that just consumes me and tortures me for a period of time and it hurts so much. I think I’d rather be tortured physically. Actually, I don’t think, I know.

My symptoms are the worst in relationships and the thought of getting close to someone whether it be intimacy or even just friendship is a trigger all on it’s own. I just want to be ok 😦

I’m not ok.

Forehead kisses

In my opinion, these are the best kinds of kisses. There’s nothing like getting a soft kiss on your forehead. It says so much. I love you. I care about you. You mean something to me. I’m here for you. I want to take care of you. You’re special. You’re not alone.

I’m sure the list goes on. Forehead kisses are like the chicken soup of kisses. I love them and I want them all the time.

Fighting BPD in the midst of a relationship

Now before you read on let me say that this isn’t my way of putting the responsibility onto another person for the actions, thoughts, or feelings that a person with BPD may have or do. I’m simply saying that there are things that others do that make the symptoms worse and keep the BPD in their cycle, and in fact, prove to them that what they think and feel is accurate.

I’ve read a lot of posts around the world wide web from family or significant others of people with BPD and I often see people ranting and venting in a very finger pointing kind of way towards the one with BPD about their symptoms.

I think it’s difficult to remember this, because when you look at the person you see a grown adult. If you could only see inside them, you’d see a small child. If you could keep this in mind when dealing with them, you may not be so surprised and angered and hurt by their BPD symptoms. Afterall, a BPD mind functions very similarly to a child or adolescent’s mind.

VALIDATION IS POWERFUL.

No one in this entire world would choose BPD. No one. It’s like a life sentence.  So it’s important to remember when dealing with them that it isn’t their fault. They are only functioning on the highest and only level mentally, emotionally, and neurologically that they can. When you proceed to respond or react to them in those very finger pointing, angry, dismissive type ways, you are only validating for them that all of their “irrational” fears, thoughts, and emotions are all very rational and real. This only continues their cycle, and each time they circle that cycle, it intensifies.

If you would only try flipping your validation to validate what they are feeling (sounds weird I know), it will actually make it better.

For example, let’s say she/he starts get fearful that you are going to leave (this is probably the number one thing; fear of abandonment). When you react to that with, “OMG are you serious?! We’re doing this again? How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not leaving? Maybe I should leave. You have to stop this. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” All this says to him/her, is that you are getting closer to leaving which means their fear of you leaving is real and true and then they feel the need to prepare even more and they wonder even more when it will happen because it terrifies them and they probably want to get it over with.

If you instead react with, “Wow honey. That must be a really difficult thought and feeling to live with everyday, thinking that the people who love you are going to leave you. We all get those feelings sometimes. We all worry from time to time about that. I know you experience it more frequently and more intensely but I’m here. When you love someone, you don’t just leave, and I love you. We will get through this together, ok?”

Take on the team approach. I know this may be hard because as the SO you may legitimately be angry and frustrated or even annoyed at dealing with this thought over and over. Do your best. Just like it’s hard for you to be calm and patient, it’s hard for them to be “rational” in your eyes.

Fighting BPD in the midst of a relationship takes both people, not just the one with BPD.

I have BPD…I will win

I’ve never been a fast runner, but there’s one race I’d always win. If it were a race, that is.

One of the hallmarks of BPD is the intense emotional episodes, or rather the intensity of the emotions they feel as a whole. However, usually this is discussed in terms of the negative emotions the person feels.

I’ve found, though, that even my positive emotions are crazily intense. I hit cloud 9 multiple times a day over things that the typical person may just smile widely about, tell a friend, possibly post a simple Facebook status and move on. I get so happy and excited, fairly often, that I literally wear myself out. I have to calm myself down just as when the intense negative emotions hit. It requires the same amount of emotional regulation. Of course, though, I’d much rather experience intense happy emotions than intense fear, sadness, or dare I say it…BPD rage. (shiver)

I’m finding, which scares me a little, that when I’m in my intense positive emotional episode, I’m extremely vulnerable and my sensitivity is sometimes heightened even more so than usual (if that’s possible) to the usual things that people with BPD tend to be sensitive to.

What does this mean?

I can just as easily drop to 6 feet under, if not easier, but the fall is harder and further than when I drop from my baseline.

Cloud 9 to six feet under…let’s race. Go! I win.

BPD: What it’s like…

We’ve all seen these scenes in the movies…

when the victim is in her house with the intruder who is trying to kill her, and someone rings the doorbell. The victim cracks the door open to who could be her saving grace, but the intruder stands behind the door aiming his weapon of choice for her death directly at her. The victim has to go on speaking and acting as though everything is fine even though everything inside of her says otherwise so she can preserve her life.

Imagine living your entire life that way.

That’s what it’s like fighting BPD. Your entire being is screaming one thing at you, but you have to speak and try to show the exact opposite while you try to ride it out. It’s like the victim trying to convince herself that she really isn’t about to die. Except when you have BPD, without fighting it, it’d be like opening that door and screaming and clinging to the visitor that you’re about to die, to help you, save you…but there’s no intruder and you’re not really about to die.