In the dark

It’s been awhile since I’ve been here. I’ve been hit a few times by BPD recently, but today was worse.

Today was more. Today I’ve been smothered, pummeled, beaten, kicked when I was down, and BPD just is continuously torturing me. I feel like it’s laughing at me. Like it wants me to die.

I haven’t felt this awful for so long. The pain inside is so severe I feel like it’s starting to seep out through my skin like an invisible disease and I just want to kick and scream and scratch and claw at myself to get it out of me.

I’m hurting. I’d rather be stabbed right now than go through this. I haven’t had the urge to self-harm for so long but right now I’m battling it. It just hurts so bad. I’m sitting alone in the middle of my bed and I’m so lost. I’m so confused. I’m so consumed with pain.

I wish it would just take me. Just finish me off, ya know? My mind is so clouded. I feel like I’m drowning.

Down, down, down….

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One thought on “In the dark

  1. Sorry to hear you’re having such a tough day. I know there is probably nothing I can say to make you feel better but you are not alone. Sadly bpd has this way of dragging us down. Just as I think I’m over self harm I do it again. Sometimes life does feel like a constant battle. But I do believe that we are here for a reason and that out of our darkness can come something amazing. It may take months or years but we will get there. Keep blogging and keep carrying on. Each day you get through when you feel like this is a massive achievement. X

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