Living in the now and where is that coming from?

So due to this whole big thing going on in my life that I’m not disclosing details about, I’ve really learned a few things. I’ve conceptually known these things before but now I feel like I’ve really grasped a full understanding of them and I’m really trying to use them.

Living in the now…

I spent quite a bit of my day yesterday, and most of my morning today, sobbing, crying, bawling, etc. It was one of those types that no matter what you are doing, tears are streaming from your eyes even if you aren’t actively crying, but of course randomly you would burst out into a full on sob. I did this up until I pulled into the parking space at my first appointment for work. I had to sit in my car for a few extra minutes to force it to stop because I couldn’t dare walk in like that.

During work, I was forced to stop feeling which left me with only thinking. This turned out to be a really good thing. BPD is SO much feeling and it makes it really hard to think straight. Stepping away from those emotions allowed me to think through a lot of things and I realized that all of those emotions were coming from my not living in the now. I was too busy thinking ahead to the future, and thinking about what I am assuming the future will turn out to be. I could be right, yes, but I could be wrong. Either way, I’m missing out on a lot right now by living in the future and I’m not saving myself anything even though I often argued that I was preparing myself for the future, or that I was simply bringing the inevitable to the now. Who the heck am I to say what will happen in the future? And preparing? Bull crap. I’m only causing extra pain.  Which leads me into…

 

Where is that coming from?

Aside from realizing that my emotions were coming from my assumptions about and my living in the future, I started to pay attention to my behavior. I realized that the way I was approaching the situation in regards to a specific person, wasn’t coming from a place of love. I was in pain and I was being short with my responses, and even slightly ignoring this person because I was hurting and I wanted it to be clear to them. That’s not the person I want to be and that certainly doesn’t make me feel any better. So before I would do anything, I knew what I wanted to do and then I’d ask myself, “Where is that coming from?” I often found that the underlying feeling I was reacting to were mostly feelings of fear, or sadness. Mostly fear.

So, I’m not saying I’m no longer sad. I’m going to be sad. It’s something to be sad about for sure, but I don’t need to waste away the time I have right now by not also being happy about what I have in front of me while it is still here.

So that’s what I’ve learned. It’s not easy, and I’ll fall I’m sure, but I at least have a new understanding I can continue to work on. Take that BPD!

 

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14 thoughts on “Living in the now and where is that coming from?

    1. I’m doing pretty ok at the moment. I had a really rough patch but I pulled through I think. Thanks for checking on me! How are you?

      1. I just don’t understand how some people can be so judgemental. I had a disagreement with someone I thought was my best friend. She wouldn’t back down so I have in and blamed it all on myself and my bpd. Tried to explain that my bpd effects my relationships with others etc. Really poured my heart out and she’s just ignored it. She’s meant to be this caring person but yet she has no empathy. Feeling very hurt and let down. I thought I was coming out of it but I’m going down again today! X

      2. We seem to be on a similar cycle because last night after I replied to your last message I started going down again too. One thing I’ve learned and while it can be hard, it’s true, the way people are toward us is a reflection of them, not of us. Don’t blame yourself or take the responsibility for her ignoring you or lacking empathy. That all has to do with her and how she handles things. Just like the way your BPD may have you react to someone, it has nothing to do with them, it’s your own challenges. I know it hurts when people we care for and think highly of, act that way. I’m very sorry that happened to you and if I can do anything at all please let me know. *hugs*

      3. Awful too. Took months of fighting to get diagnosed. Was in hospital twice as was suicidal but I was sent straight home as I wast ill enough to have help. They will only help if you actually attempt suicide. Self harm means nothing no matter how bad it is. X

      4. I know what you mean. I was in the hospital twice as well. Would you want to keep in touch outside of the blog? Email or something? If not it’s ok 🙂

      5. Yep that sounds cool. If you give me your email address then will send you mine. Can’t put mine on here as it’s my real name and I’m blogging anonymously!! X

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