So due to this whole big thing going on in my life that I’m not disclosing details about, I’ve really learned a few things. I’ve conceptually known these things before but now I feel like I’ve really grasped a full understanding of them and I’m really trying to use them.
Living in the now…
I spent quite a bit of my day yesterday, and most of my morning today, sobbing, crying, bawling, etc. It was one of those types that no matter what you are doing, tears are streaming from your eyes even if you aren’t actively crying, but of course randomly you would burst out into a full on sob. I did this up until I pulled into the parking space at my first appointment for work. I had to sit in my car for a few extra minutes to force it to stop because I couldn’t dare walk in like that.
During work, I was forced to stop feeling which left me with only thinking. This turned out to be a really good thing. BPD is SO much feeling and it makes it really hard to think straight. Stepping away from those emotions allowed me to think through a lot of things and I realized that all of those emotions were coming from my not living in the now. I was too busy thinking ahead to the future, and thinking about what I am assuming the future will turn out to be. I could be right, yes, but I could be wrong. Either way, I’m missing out on a lot right now by living in the future and I’m not saving myself anything even though I often argued that I was preparing myself for the future, or that I was simply bringing the inevitable to the now. Who the heck am I to say what will happen in the future? And preparing? Bull crap. I’m only causing extra pain. Which leads me into…
Where is that coming from?
Aside from realizing that my emotions were coming from my assumptions about and my living in the future, I started to pay attention to my behavior. I realized that the way I was approaching the situation in regards to a specific person, wasn’t coming from a place of love. I was in pain and I was being short with my responses, and even slightly ignoring this person because I was hurting and I wanted it to be clear to them. That’s not the person I want to be and that certainly doesn’t make me feel any better. So before I would do anything, I knew what I wanted to do and then I’d ask myself, “Where is that coming from?” I often found that the underlying feeling I was reacting to were mostly feelings of fear, or sadness. Mostly fear.
So, I’m not saying I’m no longer sad. I’m going to be sad. It’s something to be sad about for sure, but I don’t need to waste away the time I have right now by not also being happy about what I have in front of me while it is still here.
So that’s what I’ve learned. It’s not easy, and I’ll fall I’m sure, but I at least have a new understanding I can continue to work on. Take that BPD!