So today has been rough for a variety of reasons. Most specifically though, I had an episode this afternoon. I got instantly overwhelmed with intense emotions about something. I went from just being anxious from all that was happening throughout the day, but still functioning well, to being a sobbing mess of tears flowing on the outside of a body that was filled with torturous unrelenting pain. I wanted to die. That quick life had turned into something that just wasn’t meant for me. Something I needed to hurry and escape before it damaged me any further because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I fought a lot of urges. Urges to self-harm. Urges to curse everyone and anyone out who attempted to reach out kindly because I just couldn’t possibly believe in that moment that anyone truly cared, yet at the same time all I wanted was for someone to reach out kindly and make me feel cared for. I felt like the little girl who trips and scrapes her knees and the only thing in that moment that will make her feel and believe that she is safe and will be ok, is to be held by someone she trusts. Who do I trust? That’s a whole other post. However…
…just as quickly as it all hit…it all left. I found myself not crying. Not even like I gradually went from sobbing, to just crying and catching my breath, to just drying some last tears that managed to slip out, and eventually moving into being alright again. Nope, I was just ok. Like a light switch. And the previously mentioned episode was hardly a recent memory.
Now I’m sitting here sort of numb. I’m looking back at it and thinking…”Wow, Mandi. Are you crazy?” I can hardly remember how or why I felt as awful as I did about the situation, or what it was that even pushed me over the edge. It’s sort of a blur. I mean, I know it happened, but it feels like a disconnected part of me that went through it…not the me that I am sitting right here right now.
Maybe I am crazy. Or maybe I just keep scraping my knees without ever really finding that person or thing that makes it all better before the next trip-and-fall.
There you have it. A very mild episode of BPD. Yes, mild.