I hate you. Why do you keep letting this happen? You should just give it up already and realize that no one can love you. You just weren’t made for or equipped for that. You’re a fucking mess. You’re ridiculous. You’re a burden. You just need to stay away from people so you don’t ruin their lives. That’s all you do. You just weigh people down. They don’t care about you. Why would they? You’re going to die one day, and no one will care. I hope it’s soon. The world doesn’t need you. You’re like a poison. Go. Go cry now. I HATE YOU.
I feel like I’m going to lose it. I haven’t felt this badly in a long time, and it just keeps getting worse. I can’t stop it. I feel like I’ve been standing on a train track, watching the train coming for me and now it’s running me over, and I’m alive and awake through the entire thing as it painfully rips every bit of me to shreds. And if I had the choice to get free or to let it finish me off, without a doubt I’d want it to finish me off. It hurts so bad and the thought of repeating this pain is enough to make me want it to end forever.
There’s a phrase that says, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. I disagree with this. Anyone who has BPD knows that the problem isn’t temporary. It’s a life long torturous cycle, and I feel like I spend my every day looking to end it forever. But I know this won’t happen, and frankly, I’m tired.
Just let me go, BPD…please…
“You are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. I mean it. And I even included butterflies in on that, and they’re really beautiful. And flowers too. But you..you’re just…” -said the love of my life
“Only lettuce and ketchup please”
“Only lettuce and ketchup.”
“Yes. Wait, I only wanted lettuce and ketchup”
“This is only lettuce and ketchup”
“No. This has cheese.”
“Oh you didn’t want cheese?”