Don’t cry

It’s taking everything I have today to not fall to pieces and cry. I can feel the tears stored up right behind my eyes ready to break through at any moment. I had a huge trigger last night. One I’ve never really experienced, and I can’t seem to get away from it, get out of it, or figure out how to deal with it.

I told him about it. He was at the gym when I first texted him. I was so angry at him for not responding right away. How dare he not reply when I was in need? I know that’s silly. He didn’t know anything was going on and he was busy. That’s just how I felt/thought. So then when he finally replied, I told him nevermind. But then there I was, sitting in the middle of my bed crying, and so I just replied back and told him what happened. He tried to console and be understanding, but nothing he was saying was helping how I was feeling, and that made me angrier, so I just said goodnight. And guess what he said…”Goodnight.” I know that’s a normal response but I was angrier at him for just letting me go like that when he knew I was hurting.

We’re supposed to have a movie in night tonight and part of me wants to cancel, just to spite him for hurting me more and not being more there for me, but I want to see him too. I don’t know what I want.

All I want to do is cry. I’m so depressed. I’m so emotional. I’m so unhappy. I’m full of self-loath and disgust. I’ve been deleting all kinds of things today. Trying to disconnect from the whole world as much as I can.

I want nothing. I am nothing.

Foolish

I feel like I’m putting myself in the headlights of a situation that is my #1 goal in life to avoid, and I think I’m doing it with this huge false hope that it will actually work out. I’m not sure how I went from thinking love was just something to see in the movies or read in books but didn’t really exist, to thinking that we could make it like this and that it will actually work out in the end. Foolishness.

Bleed out the emotions…[TRIGGER WARNING]

bvgff

I’m in pain. I’m hurting. I feel so much. The emotions inside feel like a poison I’ve been fed and the only way to get it out is to give them a way out. I won’t do it because I haven’t for a long time and I’m not going to give in. But I just want to sit on the bathroom floor, and intricately slice an exit for the poison. Then I just want to sit and watch it escape while it takes with it the excess emotion, the excess pain, the poison. I want to watch it leave me while I feel myself start to take more of my life back. I want to feel the release and watch it flow calmly out of me, rather than the alternative emotional burst I’ll most likely go through. I want to control the pain that’s currently controlling me. I want to convert the emotional pain into a physical pain. A pain I can stand. A pain that dulls and ends. A pain that I can block out, put a band aid on, and watch heal. Help me, God. I’m hurting.