It’s taking everything I have today to not fall to pieces and cry. I can feel the tears stored up right behind my eyes ready to break through at any moment. I had a huge trigger last night. One I’ve never really experienced, and I can’t seem to get away from it, get out of it, or figure out how to deal with it.
I told him about it. He was at the gym when I first texted him. I was so angry at him for not responding right away. How dare he not reply when I was in need? I know that’s silly. He didn’t know anything was going on and he was busy. That’s just how I felt/thought. So then when he finally replied, I told him nevermind. But then there I was, sitting in the middle of my bed crying, and so I just replied back and told him what happened. He tried to console and be understanding, but nothing he was saying was helping how I was feeling, and that made me angrier, so I just said goodnight. And guess what he said…”Goodnight.” I know that’s a normal response but I was angrier at him for just letting me go like that when he knew I was hurting.
We’re supposed to have a movie in night tonight and part of me wants to cancel, just to spite him for hurting me more and not being more there for me, but I want to see him too. I don’t know what I want.
All I want to do is cry. I’m so depressed. I’m so emotional. I’m so unhappy. I’m full of self-loath and disgust. I’ve been deleting all kinds of things today. Trying to disconnect from the whole world as much as I can.
I want nothing. I am nothing.