Anyone who knows anything about BPD, has heard this phrase.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in this exact mindset. Just about every BPD episode can be summed up by this very phrase. It doesn’t matter what triggers me, or who, it always seems to come down to one particular loved one who gets the brunt of all of it. That person is the person I love the most in the most intimate way, which is also the person who can hurt me the most if they chose to do so.
And just when I think it can’t get any worse, it does. I end up feeling awful for how I’m feeling towards that person, and it knocks me down a few more notches.
I want to hurt myself. I’m afraid to do anything. I’m afraid to walk around. I’m afraid to look around. If I leave my spot I might do something I will later regret. If I look around, I may see something within reach that I could use to relieve this pain. It’s been 2 years in February. Do I want to waste all of that? Does it even matter? I’m just sick of hurting. So sick of it.
Why can’t I live like everyone else?
He doesn’t know what it’s like for me. He doesn’t know what I go through. He doesn’t know that everywhere I turn is another trigger I’ve got to battle. Every second of every day I spend my energy just trying to be as ok as possible…I’m never ok. I’m either in a BPD episode, or I’m battling not tipping over the edge into an episode. In either case, the episode is right there. Taking over, or trying to take over.
I wonder if I should leave him. BPD has ruined my life, and I don’t want it to ruin his. It’s not fair. I know to stay away from people. I never should have let ‘us’ happen.
I hate me.