Abandoned

 

Today I feel abandoned. I feel like no one is supporting me or paying attention to me. I feel lonely and disregarded and it hurts. When I hurt, I tend to get angry. I want to pull people so close but shove them far away.

In times like this it makes me regret ever opening up to any sort of relationship with anyone. It’s so much easier to just be alone. When I’m alone I don’t have to worry about being left. When I’m alone, I don’t have to worry about someone close to me hurting me.

Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t reach out to me. Just fade out and let me be.

Mom got a boyfriend a couple of months ago. Sister got engaged. I just found out I may be alone on Easter because they are each going with their significant others. Mom just met her boyfriend’s parents about two weeks ago, and already she is ditching me on Easter to go spend it with him and his family. What about me? We’ve always spent the holidays together.

It’s great how all of a sudden I don’t matter anymore. Leave me alone for Easter. Take forever to respond to my text messages. I never leave people hanging like that. I will now. Maybe I’ll be busy and take hours to reply to your text. Maybe I’ll be too busy to acknowledge you much throughout the day. Maybe I’ll just be…busy.

I hate hurting and I hate that I go through this. A part of me knows that BPD is a huge culprit as to why I process things the way that I do, and sometimes, even with that understanding, I can’t seem to stop it from happening.

I just hate people. I just want to be alone. I’m turning my phone off.

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