I blew it. I also faked you out with the title of this post, but please keep reading. Not so much for your sake, but I could really use some feedback and other people’s insight on this.
I blew it. “What did you blow?”, you ask. “My relationship.”, I answer.
I’m going to try and tell this story with as little emotion as possible to try and keep it more factually based so I don’t accidentally sway you one way or the other.
Let me preface the story with a bit of background info and my own insight. A lot of this I knew, but pieces of it I realize now just after the last session I just had with my therapist, which also coincidentally happened yesterday, before the “epic blow job”. Along with this, let me also say that my boyfriend is a great man and has treated me very well since the beginning.
History: I am very very against pot. When I was a kid, my father made me smoke with him. It started with smoking and then escalated into other drugs and “behavior”. My father is my biggest trigger. Eventually I went to my mom and told her what was going on because I just couldn’t handle the secret anymore that he was making me keep. That resulted in my father leaving, my parents separating, and him literally and vocally blaming me for his failed marriage and life.
I guess to add to that, my previous ex, who treated me very badly all around, I later came to find out that while he had been in recovery and an “ex-addict”, was actually spending tons of our money on pot and was smoking behind my back. This was a big deal because A) it was behind my back and he was lying about it, B) we had very little money. There were times he would yell at me so bad and have me in tears because I “spent too much on groceries”, but he was spending it on weed behind my back. Between the two of us, we had three kids so this was really devastating and heartbreaking for me that I was so limited on money for food and no ability to ever do special things for the kids, but he was blowing the money on that.
So sort of a double whammy here with the pot thing.
Now to the current event: My boyfriend, well, ex-boyfriend, smokes. I knew this. It was hard when I found out but I really tried to just push it aside. He said he didn’t do it often, and I had no proof otherwise, but he was open and honest and it didn’t seem to be a big deal to him. A little after he told me and I told him it may be a dealbreaker, I explained to him a bit of my history with my dad so he knew why it affected me so much. He was sympathetic and we moved on.
Yesterday, I hadn’t seen him for quite some time because both of us had been so busy lately. He stopped by my job so I could give him his ticket to my dance recital (he wanted to go). As soon as I got close to him, and then when I kissed him, I could smell that smell. That, “I just smoked a bit earlier” smell. It killed me. I just said, “You’ve been smoking. I have to go.” and I walked back into work. The rest of the day I was literally physically sick. I kept having to run to the bathroom and I couldn’t function.
He ignored it, and by that I mean that he didn’t mention anything about it and acted like everything was ok. Later I told him that I really wasn’t ok and that I needed to talk but I had to focus on my dance for rehearsal so we’d talk later. He said he knew I wasn’t ok but to focus. I asked if he even cared, he said yes, but go focus, so I did.
While at my rehearsal, I was sort of ok and sent him a kiss text and he sent some back and it was happy times.
When I got home and we started to talk because he told me to go ahead and tell him what was wrong…and here is where I will just give facts.
I said: Today I could tell you smoked and to be blunt I just really fucking hated it. That wasn’t a pun.
He said: I do smoke on occasion and always have although it is much ;ess than when I was younger. I have to admit I don’t think it is wrong and it should be legal. I don’t do it often and when I do I don’t smoke much. I’m sorry it does upset you. I have to admit it is not something I am willing to change. I don’t want to lose yo over it but I think it is unfair to ask me to stop.
I replied and told him that I hadn’t asked him to stop and that I really wasn’t intending on trying to make him change who he is.
I then felt sick and told him I had to go. Then as I laid here in bed, I kept repeating his response in my head and I got so angry. “it is not something I am willing to change”. I kept seeing those words and I couldn’t take it anymore. I kept seeing him smoking and it made me so sick inside. Then I thought, wow…I really don’t want to be with someone of which smoking means so much to them, or I mean so little. I tried to make myself just lay here and not act on my feelings…but I couldn’t do it.
I texted him back and told him what I just said above. I told him I just couldn’t do it. Us. And that I honestly didn’t believe he did give a real shit.
He replied back and said “I do care!!!!! I don’t know what else I can say. If you need me, LMK. I love you. Kiss 😦 ”
I never replied. I wanted to keep yelling and telling him how hurt he’s making me feel, but I haven’t yet.
I’m not sure if I acted BPD-impulsively, or if that was valid and realistic. I’m not sure if that’s a reason to break up, or if it is valid and reasonable. I just don’t know. I’m trying to use mindfulness. I’m trying to use wise mind and tell myself that yes, this is a big issue for me. My issue, however, isn’t so much the actual weed, but my personal history and trauma that is linked to it. All of that, also, has nothing to do with my boyfriend, and he is just being himself. Maybe this is something that I need to work through? I know many people smoke. I can not like it, but do I need to break up with someone over it, especially if its a recreational thing and not a money-blowing addiction? I don’t know.
And that’s where I am. I have no idea if these were BPD symptoms. Or if they were realistic and normal. I have no idea if my behavior was called for, or if it was just another impulsive act of mine.
I’d appreciate feedback. PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM NOT ASKING YOU TO ARGUE YOUR “FOR OR AGAINST” POT. I’D RATHER NOT HAVE THAT DISCUSSION. THIS IS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME. I’D JUST LIKE SOME INSIGHT AND FEEDBACK ON THE FACTS…PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Thank you. Sorry this is so long. If you’ve made it here to the end, I appreciate it.