Kill Me

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I’m so hurt right now. I feel so abandoned and uncared for. So I hopped on the internet to do some reading about BPD because…well just because. Then what do I find? Oh perfect. A BPD website created just for the “loved ones” of those with BPD. And what do I read all over it? How horrible borderlines are and how if you are with one, you better leave them as fast as you can.

Way to validate every fucking thing we feel and fear.

I am in such emotional agony I feel like I’m going to die. If my emotional pain were a physical pain, they’ve had to strap me down to a bed, put me to sleep and put me in a body cast hooked up to a morphine IV for the rest of my life.

Nothing takes this pain away and I can’t take it anymore! I’m going crazy inside and I’m trying so hard to maintain a composure that doesn’t reveal my crazy, but I’m losing the ability to hold myself together.

Then to top it all off, no one around me understands. No BPD specialized therapists in my area. No close friends who also have it and can understand. And no family members who give a rat’s ass to research it and try to be there for me.

I’m so tired of being alone, of feeling alone, of feeling like the dirt that’s brushed under the rug. Am I so unlovable?

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7 thoughts on “Kill Me

    1. I have done some self-work with DBT as well but I feel like I’ve gone as far as I can on my own. I hope you are able to find someone. Thank you for the comment.

  1. Wow the more I think abut it… that website really knows how to validate every BPD person’s fears. I am proof though that love can happen. fifteen years later and a lot of issues worked through and still be working through is proof it is possible,, Though the bpd always tells me not to say forevers 😦 Those websites piss me off who ever started that site probably loved someone with it and instead of understanding them blames them for all their miseries.

    1. Thank you. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels that way. What pisses me off most, is that if we were to tell them how we felt about it. they would blame it on our BPD rather than admitting that we may be right. Grr.

      I’m happy to hear that you are a success with your relationship. That’s a huge fear of mine and often times I think I should be alone forever just to not fear being left. Thank you for all of your recent comments. They’re very helpful.

      1. My BPD wife and I have been together for thirty-eight years. It was always there, having been fueled by childhood traumas initiated by a truly disturbed mother and a pedophile brother. It always stayed under the surface, but not that far that the behaviors we would both eventually recognize never broke through.
        I always knew something was “off” or “not quite right”. Never thought in terms of “wrong”, because I understood that nobody’s feelings can ever be “wrong” as in “incorrect” or “unfounded”.
        Before and after the BPD diagnosis, I never blamed those behaviors on whatever mixed signals were flying around inside of her. They were never “the reason” for anything, merely a reference point to help me understand.
        What gets me about the assholes who just want a simple answer and don’t have the time, energy, sympathy, empathy or humanity to try to understand me … or understand you or Angela or my wife … is that they are made of the same thoughts and feelings we are.
        It’s just a matter of degrees.
        Anybody who has ever broken up with someone who meant the world to them (for instance) has to be able to understand the feeling of loss, of abandonment.
        Why do they find it so hard to believe that feeling can be crippling?

        And yes, yes, YES … there are so many more places the “victims” of someone else with BPD are all over the place, much more so than for those who have to live with it.
        And specialists? It’s likely easier for them to pigeonhole their patients into something much simpler and mainstream.
        DBT was developed by a lady named Marsha Lannahan (sp??), and her structure for it includes a year of classes (once a week, 3.5 hours each session) AND a minimum of one year of individual psychotherapy from one to three times a week.
        A lot of doctors and their MBA bosses in the Health Care industry just don’t want to make that costly commitment. Easier just to do the “continuing” care of shoving Effexor and Klonopin and Geodon down someone’s face for the rest of their tortured lives.

  2. Have you looked on psychologytoday.com ‘s therapist finder? Just thought I’d suggest it in case you didn’t know about that resource. There are many therapists who specialize in PDs on there. Of course I don’t know what area you’re in.

  3. Yes I have. There is only one in my area and she doesn’t take insurance. She’s like $130 an hour.
    😦
    I may save up and see if I can’t even just do one session a month. It’s a worthwhile expense. Thank you.

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