When someone goes away from me, like, out of my sight and reach, it’s like I start to forget them.
I lose sense of my emotions and how I felt for that person. I may know in my head that I love that person, but the emotions themselves start to go numb. Then little by little it’s like the person doesn’t exist anymore. Like they were just a dream, or a fantasy, or a figment of my imagination. I start to feel the same way about myself. Unreal. I start to fade from reality.
This makes me anxious because I know it’s all real, at least I think I know. And I start scrambling, mentally and figuratively. Anxiously awaiting when I will see that person again so I can bring them back to life and reconnect with reality. I can’t do it without them.
When my boyfriend goes on his trips, this happens. When he comes back, it’s like meeting him all over again. When he is busy with work, and I am too, I go through this same thing. It’s like I need to see him sometimes, just to touch him and see that he’s real and he’s still here and a part of my life. When that can’t happen for any reason, I just lose it. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I feel unreal. I feel…all sorts of things. I lose myself completely, in every sense. And again, when we do get to finally see each other, it’s like I’m meeting him all over again for the first time. I almost have to ease into realizing that, “Yea, ok. He’s real. This is real. We are real. He is still here. We are still together.” etc.
Notice I said “ease” into it. It’s not an instantaneous re-connection with reality. It slowly starts fading back in. I observe the person for a bit. Watching their expressions. Almost like I’m making sure they aren’t actually a stranger, and trying to see if they are going to abandon me again…or when. Or almost feeling like I’m an outsider, invisibly watching the scene. Can he see me? Am I real? Is he?
I think that’s what’s been happening to me that past couple of days. I haven’t seen him. I saw him very quickly the other day which actually did way more harm than good because it was literally like 2 minutes of seeing him. I gave him a kiss and like that he had to go again to get back to work. It killed me. It hurt. Bad. I was already not in a very stable mindset, but that just flared all of my symptoms up and I’ve been shitty since.
Anyway, during that time frame when he is gone, I often get very angry at him for leaving me alone; for not being here. When I see him again finally, the man I’m meeting again is the good him. It’s like he is two people. He’s bad when he’s away, and he’s amazing when he is here. Of course that’s not true 100% of the time in either case, but that is how it goes sometimes.
Wow. BPD sucks.