When he’s gone

When someone goes away from me, like, out of my sight and reach, it’s like I start to forget them.

I lose sense of my emotions and how I felt for that person. I may know in my head that I love that person, but the emotions themselves start to go numb. Then little by little it’s like the person doesn’t exist anymore. Like they were just a dream, or a fantasy, or a figment of my imagination. I start to feel the same way about myself. Unreal. I start to fade from reality.

This makes me anxious because I know it’s all real, at least I think I know. And I start scrambling, mentally and figuratively. Anxiously awaiting when I will see that person again so I can bring them back to life and reconnect with reality. I can’t do it without them.

When my boyfriend goes on his trips, this happens. When he comes back, it’s like meeting him all over again. When he is busy with work, and I am too, I go through this same thing. It’s like I need to see him sometimes, just to touch him and see that he’s real and he’s still here and a part of my life. When that can’t happen for any reason, I just lose it. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I feel unreal. I feel…all sorts of things. I lose myself completely, in every sense. And again, when we do get to finally see each other, it’s like I’m meeting him all over again for the first time. I almost have to ease into realizing that, “Yea, ok. He’s real. This is real. We are real. He is still here. We are still together.” etc.

Notice I said “ease” into it. It’s not an instantaneous re-connection with reality. It slowly starts fading back in. I observe the person for a bit. Watching their expressions. Almost like I’m making sure they aren’t actually a stranger, and trying to see if they are going to abandon me again…or when. Or almost feeling like I’m an outsider, invisibly watching the scene. Can he see me? Am I real? Is he?

I think that’s what’s been happening to me that past couple of days. I haven’t seen him. I saw him very quickly the other day which actually did way more harm than good because it was literally like 2 minutes of seeing him. I gave him a kiss and like that he had to go again to get back to work. It killed me. It hurt. Bad. I was already not in a very stable mindset, but that just flared all of my symptoms up and I’ve been shitty since.

Anyway, during that time frame when he is gone, I often get very angry at him for leaving me alone; for not being here. When I see him again finally, the man I’m meeting again is the good him. It’s like he is two people. He’s bad when he’s away, and he’s amazing when he is here. Of course that’s not true 100% of the time in either case, but that is how it goes sometimes.

Wow. BPD sucks.

 

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3 thoughts on “When he’s gone

  1. Yeah. BPD sucks.

    And I truly support you, and hope you will deal with this problem one day, because I have it too and I know how it is like to bear with it…
    It’s a burden, ’cause my boyfriend goes on business trips very often, almost 3 times a month for a couple of days.
    Sometimes he’s gone for 2 weeks, and when he comes back, I feel like a have a stranger in my own home. My own bed.

    When I hug him after certain period of time that he’s been away, I don’t feel anything.
    This an awful feeling. Emptiness.
    Because I know that I love him, but it seems that somehow I forgot how to do that or show it to him.

    And I like your sentence” he is bad when he’s away, he is amazing when he is here”. True to the bone and painful to the bone.
    BPD tends to split everything into black and white.

    I ask myself often, why do I have to go through the same process of getting to know him so many times, when we are together for almost 2 years?!

    It really, really sucks.
    And you know what else sucks?
    He does not understand my distance that I have towards him when he comes back home.
    I tried to explain it to him, but it almost impossible for a non-BPD to process my state of mind.

    It sucks.

    1. Thank you for your reply. It’s nice to know that someone else experiences the same exact thing, though I’m sorry that you do.

      I relate to all you said. I love this part: “why do I have to go through the same process of getting to know him so many times, when we are together for almost 2 years?!” – YES!! When he comes back from being gone, I feel like I’m getting to know him all over again. I experience the same hesitation and ambivalence like when I meet someone for the first time. I need to feel him out to know if it’s safe to open up to him or not. How crazy!!!

      You’re right. They won’t understand this about us. No one who doesn’t experience it themselves could understand this. You can’t imagine what it feels like unless you go through it.

      It’s like the world is filled with strangers, no matter how many of them you’ve met before; they’re always strangers.

  2. Hi,
    I do understand you completely. You said how the people you’ve met are always strangers. Same here. That’s why I cannot relate, or accomplish a true friendship for example. I have only one true friend. It’s sad, really.
    Because, when I go out, on a party, in the club, I’m always the center of attention and the party mover. But it is so fake. My surface is so fun, amusing, but in the inside, it’s a different story.
    So I don’t like to be surrounded with people.
    I feel better on my own.
    Hang in there. I’m sending you a bunch of good vibes. 🙂

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