Do you get this?
My boyfriend will sometimes spend the night (half the night, really) on the night before he leaves for one of his weekend trips. They’re really hard for me. This one was by far the worst.
Actually, every time we separate I have this impending doom feeling that washes over me and I just want to run back to him and hug him and never let go. On all of our regular goodbyes, I mostly always manage to work through it rather quickly without shedding any tears. On these more long-term temporary separations, the tears usually manage to slip out a little…but I never let him see them.
Hearing those words, “I have to go now”, just kills me. As soon as he gets here, I have to know what time he is leaving. Then about every 20 minutes or so, I’m checking the time and asking how much longer til he has to go. I need to prepare the entire time because it doesn’t go well for me if it’s sprung on me without warning. Knowing, however, that the goodbye will be for 4 days or so, defeats me. I was in panicky sobs before the door even closed. I felt like I couldn’t breath. My whole body and mind were racing. I felt so many conflicting emotions. I needed him, but I was angry at him, but I loved him and wished he could come back and comfort me, but I was paranoid, I was immensely afraid. Of what? I’m not sure. Afraid that this temporary goodbye is actually permanent. Afraid of what I was feeling. Goodbyes don’t feel for me how they do for others. I know this because I know what a regular goodbye feels like. I know how normal it can feel when someone just has to go to work for the day, or run to the grocery story, and you kiss each other and say goodbye and move on. I’ve felt that. But if you’ve ever been LEFT…I mean really left, or broken up with by someone you really loved. That “I will die without you feeling” that you get, is what I get and what I have to fight through within myself, for every single goodbye….even if he is just going to work, or running an errand. Hell, sometimes if he is just going to the other room depending on what my emotional state is like at that very moment.
All of that in itself then causes such incredible shame but at the same time I wish he knew what I went through. He has no idea. He thinks when he leaves that I just roll over and go to sleep; which is probably what most people would do. No. I can’t sleep. Instead, I sit up in bed, hug my panda so incredibly tight, rock back and forth and bawl my eyes out while I try to maintain oxygen through my hyperventilating gasps and exhales that feel like they are racing me to the finish line of my existence. When I eventually do fall asleep, it’s because my state of panic has literally taken every ounce of energy I had that my body just crashes.
When he leaves, I feel like I am sucked back through a tunnel, further and further away from him, and with him he is taking the entire world and I am pulled into darkness; into nothingness. I don’t just feel like he is leaving and will be back. I feel like I am losing him; losing my entire life. It’s a very empty and terrifying feeling.
I wish he knew.