Mindfulness and…stuff

So I’m sitting here feeling like I need to write. I’m not sure how to say what I want to say, because I can’t quite seem to pinpoint what it even is that I want to say.

I’ve been mulling over this mindfulness stuff. I’ve only had one appointment but this is what I’m to be working on. It’s hard. My mind is often racing and trying to be mindful is like sifting yourself through a ball pit while trying to keep your eye on one specific ball. Yea..you probably just imagined that and thought, “Wft is that even possible?” I guess it would help if all of the balls were white and you had to watch the one red ball. But nope. This is a multi-colored ball pit.

Anyway. I keep going back and forth between being excited that I’m finally doing DBT, to being afraid that it won’t work, and to being flat out doubtful that anything could actually help me. I keep hearing the words, “This is something you will be dealing with the rest of your life”, echoing in my head amidst the colored ball pit of thoughts and it’s just discouraging.

On a more positive note…oh who am I kidding. I mean, I’m not all negative about this. I know it will be hard. I know its not a cure, but I know it can help and if I put the effort in, it will pay me back with a bit more happiness for myself and my loved ones so they have just a tad bit less uncontrolled crazy, and bit more controlled crazy, to deal with for the rest of their lives.

Loved ones. Sigh. I sort of feel like I’m going to have another down-spiral directed at my boyfriend soon. I despise that I can see the symptoms nearing me and I can feel the emotions creeping in from different angles, and yet I can’t seem to stop them. I think that’s my biggest struggle with DBT. In working on this mindfulness aspect, I guess I had this idea that it would soften the intensity of my emotions and thoughts if I could just manage to practice mindfulness. Wrong. At least I think I’m wrong. I can sometimes control my thoughts enough to not go completely postal, but it doesn’t ease the emotions. It’s instead like I go through a period of time where I am forcing thoughts that contradict the emotions, but I live in that state of contradiction until the emotions decide they’re going to leave. Basically, the only thing I’m really managing to do is to not hurt myself, hurt others, or break the shit out of anything until it passes. I don’t necessarily feel any better inside.

Ok I think this went more negative than I planned on. Sorry. I’m not as blah as I sound here. I’m just reflecting.


3 thoughts on “Mindfulness and…stuff

    1. I’m a bit less dysregulated at the moment, and when I read this response, it made me chuckle a little. Maybe I am being way too hard on myself for only having had just “one appointment”. Part of what set me off yesterday was the fact that I emailed my therapist some questions and it took her all day to reply. In fact, it wasn’t until after I had completely spazzed out and lost complete control of myself and my emotions, that she had finally responded…literally in the middle of the night. I kept thinking to myself that she did it on purpose. It was part of her sick therapeutic technique to ignore my first attempt to reach out to her, to see how I’d react. I could be making shit up…but that’s what my brain came up with and that certainly added to my ‘losing it’.

      1. Took me sixty-two years to get this batshit crazy.
        Think I’m gonna give it up without a fight?

        Be easier on yourself than you’d like other people to be. They don’t know what you’re really going through.
        They have a shitty reason for being less than compassionate with you.
        You, little sister, have none.

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