How can someone save me from myself? I feel trapped. Like I’m screaming an SOS to the world but no one can hear me or see me. Why is this happening? I’m so angry. No…I’m hurting. That’s what I am. I don’t even know if I know why? I feel like no one cares. The smallest things…ugh I hate me. I accidentally dropped my ring in the garbage disposal and it totally destroyed it. I sent a picture to my boyfriend and all I get back is, “I bet that made a lot of noise.”
I just wanted to throw my phone against a wall. Somewhere in my head I guess I know that his response was ok? But I just hear myself screaming inside, “YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING CARE!!!!” That’s how I feel.
Then earlier…I am terrified of storms and I’m always afraid if my loved ones aren’t with me, that something will happen to them in the storm. I’m not sure where the fear comes from. Anyway…I texted him because I saw there was a severe thunderstorm watch and I said, “Sever thunderstorm watch xoxoxoxoxox” He replies, “Yep”…and again I scream inside, “YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING CARE!!!!!!”
I mean, he might as well just ignore the shit out of me. I am SO angry!
Do you ever feel like you just NEED someone to validate the shit out of you? I don’t fucking care how old I am. I can’t help it. I just get in these modes and I feel like a little kid or something. It’s like a small child being lost and telling a grown-up that they’re lost and the grown-up saying, “You’ll be fine, kid.” I feel like no one really hears me. 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦
I want to scream, and cry, and throw things, and just go crazy until someone notices me and realizes that I’m hurting inside and to stop treating me like an annoying little gnat. I feel constantly swatted away. I wish I could runaway. I wish I had no ties to stay where I was. If I had to do life over again, I’d make sure that I’d have nothing keeping me anywhere. That was my entire plan growing up because no one ever cared and all I wanted to do was go on with life on my own and never get attached ever again to anyone. I didn’t want to meet anyone, or know anyone, or for anyone to know me.
I just don’t want to live. I should have made that decision a long time ago.