So the downward spiral I said in a post yesterday that I was sure to happen…happened. My boyfriend offered to come over last night and just hold me til I fell asleep. So he did just that. By the time he got here, I was so disconnected from everything, I was just like this shell of nothingness. I was so numb but I could still feel some fueling emotions deep deep down that I so wanted to let out but I couldn’t figure out how. It just wasn’t happening. It felt somewhat better having someone there. To touch someone and feel someone touching me. It was like he was holding me in existence even though my entire being was fighting against it, but he was keeping me there. Keeping me alive.
Then came those words…”I have to go now.” That was all it took. As soon as he started walking toward the door, the panic set in and the tears started to surface. He walked back and hugged me and all he said was, “I feel so helpless right now. I have no idea how to help you.” After a few moments of my just clinging to him as if that loss of skin on skin would be the death of me, he pulled away and slowly left.
I died inside. I crashed. The emotions erupted from the inside out. I couldn’t breathe and I just remember pulling at my hair and rubbing and grabbing all over my skin as if I were trying to shake off the poison that felt was seeping out of my skin all over my entire body, or shake myself from out of the torture shell I was trapped in. He told me before he left, to try and sleep. I told him I would.
But I couldn’t. I’ve been so angry at him. I feel like he is hurting me and I’m trying so hard to think clearly, because I’m not really sure how he is hurting me. I mean, I know the things I would list if asked, but are they real? Were they intentional? Is it my BPD? Is it valid? I just love him. I just want him to love me, but everything he did and said, my brain was interpreting as proof he didn’t love me, didn’t care, and was going to leave me. I recognized the splitting. He was evil…but no. I am. I am so bad for people.
I called my friend over and over, and then I saw my therapist’s email, responding to my mindfulness questions from earlier in the day. That took me a few feet further under. My friend finally woke up and called me back. I hardly remember it all. I just know I was crying and trying to catch my breath. I couldn’t pinpoint what emotion I was feeling, or what exactly I was thinking.
I just felt so alone in the midst of all that was happening inside me. It’s like fighting a giant all on my own…