It hurts

I hurt. Everywhere. Inside. Badly. 😦 I’m sorry for my mini-outburst. Yea, that was totally mini. I’m going to go to bed, ignore the world because I hate it, and have a cry with Panda underneath my covers and try not to do anything stupid.

Goodnight. :(*

Rage Alert **Trigger Warning**

I am in a fit of fucking rage. I don’t even want comments to this post because they will just piss me off. I don’t want to hear how I should use fucking skills, or how I’ve been doing so well, or that this will pass. I hate when people tell me that it will pass. I don’t fucking care if it will pass, the problem is that it is here now and I fucking hate it! I don’t care that I’ve “done well” lately. It doesn’t feel well. All I do is struggle constantly whether it’s visible on the outside or not. I’m so fucking tired of having to try so god damn hard just to be fucking ok, and I’m never even really ok. I’m on one high or low or twist of the rollercoaster or another. I don’t even fucking know what it means to just be me. I don’t know what normal feels like. I don’t know what or who I am minus this fucking BPD. I’m so tired of feeling. I’m so tired of nothingness. I’m so tired of feeling empty and detached, or too fucking attached. I’m so tired of wondering what other people think and feel, because I couldn’t possibly imagine what a normal mind is like. I’m so fucking disgusted with myself. I’m so tired of feeling forgotten. I’m just so fucking tired of living.

Picture11

That is how I feel right now. I’m going crazy inside and I’m having strong urges to self-harm. My mind is racing and one of the thought paths is the various objects and methods I can use to SH. I’m so angry I’m half sick to my stomach. I don’t even know why I’m so angry! Or maybe I’m not even angry because I want to cry too. I just don’t know. I wish I could runaway, or just put an end to things.

I hate me.

Unwanted memory and new forum **TRIGGER WARNING**

So I’ve got two things to write about. Though knowing me, those two things will turn into a bunch of random mind-crap that slips in while I’m typing.

First things first. Today I had a visit from an unwanted memory. What triggered it was a lyric in a song about rain falling on someone’s head. A few years ago I was in a pretty bad relationship, and while this may sound like pure borderline blame and finger pointing, it is very true. He was not good to me and it triggered my BPD like I’ve never experienced. It was the worst I’d ever been, and he reenacted a lot of my history of abuse and mistreatment. It was pretty terrible and frankly very twisted.

On one specific night, the internal (and external) chaos, emotions, and pain got way too much to handle and barefoot in the dark, I bolted out the back door. I remember running so fast, yet my feet still couldn’t keep up with my racing heart. Everything inside me was so intense that I couldn’t feel a thing. What I remember feeling, was the cold wet grass. It was raining, and it was cold outside. I ran until I reached a small group of  trees that had limbs all but the whole way to the base of the trunk. There was a little nook and as quickly as I could in order to escape the world, I crawled under the tree hoping he wouldn’t find me, and contemplated suicide.

The tree was no match for an umbrella, and while I sat there, the rain fell through all the limbs on me. Growing up, whenever things would get bad, I used to sit and count really fast, just to focus my mind on something…anything. While I counted, I’d stare at the wallpaper which covered every damn room in the house. They were all flowery. I’d stare at the flowers and find patterns, count flowers, and basically find anything I could to focus in on so I could escape from my reality. Under this tree, I counted…and counted…and counted, while rocking back and forth with my knees hugged up to my chest. I’m sure I missed numbers or repeated numbers, but I remembered getting somewhere up in the 6-thousands before finally stopping and going blank. At which point I guess I just sat there.

From under the tree I could see the road. The tree was located not far from the road at a sharp curve. Between the dark and the rain, I figured for sure I could just bolt out into the street, right at the curve, and if I were lucky enough, someone would hit me and that would be the end to the torture I’d been feeling inside for my entire life. I never did anything that I remember. I may have self-harmed under the tree, but I don’t remember. Eventually, I ended up walking back home, taking the verbal abuse for running away, and moving on.

I certainly don’t want to remember this and I really hate how the smallest things can trigger some pretty serious memories that I hope to never think of again. I got through the moment, but I have to say that this memory has been in the back of my mind all day and has left me with this underlying feeling of uneasiness, no matter what I’m doing at the moment.

Thing number two, is PsychForums. I thought it would be good to go check it out. I did, and within 2 minutes I am overwhelmed. There’s just way too much going on there. Between my ADHD and my BPD, I don’t think that is the place for me. I responded to one post and am on my way to deleting my account if I can. I don’t like it there, it’s too busy and there are too many triggers. I like the safety of my blog because there’s only me unless I choose to read other people’s posts, and the comments I get are in most cases never a trigger as the topics are ones I’ve opened up.

I need some snuggles.

I guess I did well keeping to my two things.

 

Why “Beautifully Borderline”?

One of my recently made yet good friends asked, “Why ‘Beautifully Borderline’? Seems contradictory.”

Having BPD certainly is not always beautiful, or maybe it never really is and this is just another one of my delusions. Some of us injure ourselves, leaving scars behind. We hurt people we love, not intentionally, but we do. We may have fits of rage that mimic the tantrum of a child, with the physical strength of an adult. We are sensitive to a fault which may cause us to break out in tears because heaven forbid you didn’t have a gigantic smile on your face for a split second. We may annoy you with our constant fear that you’re going to leave us. How could one possibly look at that and see beauty?

I’m not always sure. I have my times certainly that the last thing I’d label myself as is “beautiful”. I see scars, and I’m disgusted and ashamed. I ask someone, “Are you ok?” for the twentieth time in an hour, and start belittling myself for being so sensitive and worried all of the time. I physically cling to the one I’m with, and reprimand myself in my mind for being such a needy child.

But other times I look at all of these things and all I can come up with is that maybe I’m just a beautiful mess. Like an abstract piece of art that looks like a bunch of broken pieces all fit together to make one whole artistic piece of something that somehow just works. While other people walk around, using other people for their own amusement, and spending their lives trying to copy the lives of others, I love too hard and am permanently different.

I may not know who I am, but that means I’m constantly trying to find me. Along with that search comes an open mind to explore new things. To sum myself up, my borderline “traits” or symptoms (not sure), leave me feeling like this:

I know how it feels to feel different, and so I never leave anyone out. This leaves me with a lot of empathy for others. I’m that person that befriended the kid in school that everyone else was picking on, and started sticking up for them. I’m a voice for animals because they don’t have one, and I know how much it hurts to not be heard or to not be able to say what you need to say. I have intense emotions, so if you happen to get through my thick brick wall, I will love you with everything I have. This also means that you will be one of the very very few that gets to know and see more of the real me than I probably am even aware exists. When my emotions are high, I’m like a kid in a candy store; filled with uncontrollable  excitement and wonderment and adventure. With my black and white thinking, sure I see things as all terrible at times, but the flip side of that is that when in “white” thinking, everything is amazing to me. It’s like putting on a pair of glasses with super-HD lenses. I may literally stop and smell the roses.

Here is a chart that outlines some of the things rather well:

1378093_411382462317971_1211291206_n

So, that’s why “Beautifully Borderline”. One of the cognitive distortions we are known to engage in, is magnifying things. Well I think that many people magnify the negative in BPD. They talk about the polarized thinking (the black and white world of a borderline), but they only ever talk about the black side of things. If you flip all of that and take a look at the white side, each negativity brings with it a positive opposite, and I think those things are pretty damn beautiful.

 

 

 

 

How’d I do with the hammock? -Drum roll-

Well, I just got home a little bit ago from THE camping trip. It was so fun!

The 7 hour drive turned into a ten and a half hour drive. Thank you, traffic. It certainly wasn’t what we expected, but I surely did not mind being stuck in traffic with him. When we finally got there, we set things up. He showed me how to set up the tent, which was eezy-peezy and fun. We then walked down to say hi to the group, and then we went for a little walk, made a fire, then later hung out a bit more with the group. And one of his friends gave me this knife that you hang around your neck. It’s so neat!

I had one little breakdown that night. It could have been a lot worse, but it wasn’t too bad and passed quickly. I hardly remember what happened. All I remember is we collected some wood and then were putting it together and he was making the fire, and something hit me the wrong way, a facial expression he had. He really didn’t do anything. Often times when I’m just sort of in the background watching him do something, I get really nervous and want to disappear. I think this stems from past experiences with my dad when I was little. My dad was not a patient man at all, and pretty much everything pissed him off. And I don’t mean pissed off where a few swear words are heard under his breath, I mean pissed off like within a second the man is smashing his fist through windows and you better pray to God you aren’t present. Hence the wanting to disappear, part.

Anyway, I tend to misread people a lot in certain situations that are seemingly unnecessarily stressful for me, and as you know, once you’re triggered, BPD takes over and that’s it.

I guess he noticed I wasn’t ok. I think I pretty much shut down. He asked if I wanted to go down with the group and I told him that he could. I need to learn how to just say that I’m not ok. Why is that so hard? Thank God he didn’t go and instead asked if I wanted to lay in the tent with him for a little, and so we did. Within a couple of minutes of snuggling him like Panda, I started crying in a bit of a panic. You know, that borderline moment when things overwhelm you so much inside that you literally feel like you’re going to die from the intensity.

And after a few moments of that, just like that, I was ok again. We went down and spent the evening with his friends, and it was fun. They are really really nice people. Completely welcoming right from hello, interesting people, and just carefree and fun. It was pleasant.

Then the next day, best day ever!!! We woke up early and went out for a hike. Aside from the insane amount of bugs that seemed to really like the both of us, it was such a fun time. I saw a bullfrog for the first time! I didn’t even know what they sounded like other than what I’ve heard in the Budweiser commercials, but they apparently don’t actually say Budweiser. We could hear it but couldn’t see it, and the couple we got too close to, jumped in the water before I could see it. So we hunted out the one we kept hearing, and then we found it!!!!! There were TWO! It was so cool, and while we just sat in the woods, it was so peaceful and quiet just listening to all the animals and the water. OH and I saw a real lily pad and lily pad flower for the first time! It was so pretty. Oh and white birch trees? And bugs, lots of bugs. But I learned that dragon flies are our friends! And to think all these years I’ve fearfully avoided them. Now I want to put one on a leash and fly it around with me everywhere. I would name himmmm….probably something boring like Dragon.

After that we went to hike out to this awesome beaver dam and den. I’ve never seen that either! We found the den and my boyfriend said that if we waited long enough, we’d eventually see a beaver. So we sat down and waited. Then there it was! He knew we were there and he started swimming around right in front of us, just looking at us. Then he thumped his tail real hard on the water and went under. He swam around a bit more and then wandered away. When we were on the way back, the bugs got SO bad that we had to run out of the woods. It was crazy but a good time.

Then that night, again I had my second and last little breakdown. We spent a lot of time with all of the people, which was good, but I just don’t do well with that. My brain starts going. It usually starts with my just looking around at everyone and feeling so disconnected. I see all these people that are just…”normal”. They’re talking with each other, they’re doing things and they all share stuff in common, and it all just comes so natural to them…the social stuff. And then there’s me, and I feel detached, lonely, and like a lost little girl. Before I know it, I’m just not ok and am spiraling down faster than I can help myself. My boyfriend held me again that night. It wasn’t as short-lived as the previous time, but I didn’t do anything destructive and I didn’t runaway. I’d say I did well.

OH! On the way home, he took me on a detour to some Dinosaur park. We saw dinosaur footprints in these rocks and stuff. He imprinted dino feet shapes on this strip of paper they had in this little art room and gave it to me 😛 It was cute, and I’m keeping that. Then we walked through the little nature trails. That didn’t last long because the bugs were getting us again; mostly him this time. Poor guy. BUT we did see tons of little frogs, and he picked one up that was still a tadpole and had a tail! I’ve never seen that before! And then my weekend was fulfilled when we saw a big black snake. I was so disappointed that we hadn’t seen any, and there it was. SO COOL.

And then we came home and here I am. Getting bit all over by bugs isn’t great, but I have to admit that I had a really great time. He let me try getting in the hammock, and it wasn’t bad at all. It was attached to three trees so there really was no chance at flipping (haha). Oh wait…I lie. I did flip OVER the hammock when we were walking  back from the bathroom last night. I just started to say that he was going to make me fall because he was pulling me behind him and my light wasn’t working. Then he insisted on using the hammock as an obstacle to step over, and down I went. It was a great laugh 🙂 How I managed to flip over the hammock and I didn’t even sleep in it…I’m good like that.

Anyway, overall it was a great time. Something I’d do again. Thank God for the bathrooms and showers, too. 🙂

God, can I not be borderline this weekend?

The camping trip is this weekend. We leave early tomorrow morning.

All week I’ve been in arcade car mode (this will make sense if you’ve read my last post). I’ve been anxious and racing, unable to sleep, unable to stop myself, just racing through the day trying to keep up with myself.

I’m excited for the trip, excited to spend time with my boyfriend and see a new place, but man am I really nervous. Scared is probably a better word. What am I scared of? Other than the typical fears of meeting new people, I am mostly worried that I will be totally borderline. I am so afraid I will be triggered…to a really bad extent. So intensely so and I won’t be able to use my skills to get me out of it. Sure, I could go off for a hike by myself, but honestly how safe is that? If I’m in borderline mode, who knows where I’d end up and what I’d do when I get there. I just know me, to an extent, and I scare myself. I just don’t want to lose control.

I just don’t want to ruin the weekend.

I’m looking forward to spending time with my boyfriend and learning more about him and what he’s into. I think I will be ok? I just have fear. I am going to do my best. If I can just manage to sit there with a smile no matter what is going on inside me, that will be good enough for me. I guess I shouldn’t assume that I’m going to be triggered. I’m just so afraid and now I need to stop talking about it because I’m getting myself all worked up.

Here I am in overdrive! God. I have no brakes.

Traffic lights and arcade cars

I just read a quote on someone else’s blog, and it got me thinking. It was about how being borderline is like a malfunctioning traffic light that is either stuck on green or red (by Ana Landa).

It’s so true. I feel like there this other setting though. This other setting where you’re outside of the light and rather you’re the car that has lost the road and the gas pedal is stuck to the floor. You’re aimless, directionless, and unstoppable. At such a high speed, you’re only rapidly trying to avoid crashing into things. It’s like those arcade games where you sit in a driver’s seat and all you have is the steering wheel. The wheels are so sensitive and you only move it slightly but your car on the screen makes a sharp turn and by the time the game is over, you realize that you’ve only sat there, non-methodically turning the wheel back and forth between the left and the right when all you really wanted to do was go straight, and maybe shift a lane or two.

Just as fast as the game ends because your time has run out, is how fast we shift to the next phase, the next emotion, the next trigger, the next bout of emptiness or boredom.

Just a thought.

No sleep makes for a mean girl

For my entire life, yes my entire life, I’ve had insomnia. My mom always tells me how even when I was a baby she used to check on me only to find me laying there wide awake or sitting up in my crib just looking around at all hours of the night.

The past month or so I haven’t been sleeping too badly. I used to take sleeping meds which helped immensely but blah blah blah I don’t have any right now. We’ll I’m fearing that it’s getting worse again. Last night and the night before I just laid there. Wide awake. Looking around. Mind on full speed. Anxious. Bored.

Needless to say I am rather short fused today. I read some stuff about BPD and Insomnia last night while I couldn’t sleep and noticed something really super interesting!!!! I will share later tonight 🙂

Giddy

I woke up feeling much better mentally than how I felt when I went to bed. I’m giddy today. On Thursday night my boyfriend is sleeping over and on Friday morning we are leaving for this camping trip.

I never updated everyone but all my fears for the trip have been mostly calmed. Well not all of them. There still with be other people there but my boyfriend told me that it’s at a campground which means there are showers and bathrooms!!! He also said he will take a tent along. I am the happiest girl!!!

My biggest fear now is that I won’t be ok mentally. I’m going to make and take a little therapy card along and also a pocket diary card so I can stay focused. It doesn’t have to be so scary, right? I just hope I will be ok.

Deep breath!