The little girl in me

I’ve become more and more aware of this part of myself. Often times I feel like this damaged little girl, to an extreme of even going as far as saying that I definitely show signs of age regression. If you can imagine what it’s like to be a child; terrified and alone and needy of a capable adult’s help who will not only help you find your way, but who will care for and nurture you in the process. That’s how I feel, often.

It’s hard to communicate to someone when this is how you are feeling, because all they can see is your adult self. It either doesn’t make sense to them, or they find it odd and can’t understand or bring their self to offer you the careful delicate nurture that they’d offer an actual child who is in need of love. It’s sad, because that is what we really need.

I’ve been doing some reading on this because I have to admit that sometimes I am very ashamed of this part of myself. Actually, it hardly feels like just a part and feels like “me” as a whole. But anyway…feeling ashamed of this little girl that I feel like I often am, I think only damages that part of me even more. She’s been through enough rejection, neglect, criticism, mistreatment, and abuse. She doesn’t need any more. Within my reading, I’ve found that this may be another core trait to being borderline.

Many borderlines have been through significant trauma as a child. This trauma may have caused a halt in their emotional and psychological development. In their adult years, when facing a situation that may trigger this trauma, they may regress to that very age.

Read the full article Full articule  HERE

On the flip side, the age regression may come out in non-trauma triggered ways almost as an attempt to receive the nurture that it didn’t initially.

These things aren’t necessarily proven, at least not from what I’ve read so far. These are theories; some I’ve read from other writers and some are my own. I think as this little girl gets more comfortable and bold, she comes out more and seeks the attention, the love, the safe contexts that she can just be a kid and be accepted and start to grow with the rest of the adult self that seems to have only physically grown in terms of size and appearance.

While the destructive behavior of an adult borderline is factually stated to mimic the very behavior of a child (splitting, black and white thinking, etc), I think there are other non-destructive behavior as well. Without ever having experienced a normal childhood where you could watch cartoons, lay on the floor and color, play with toys, and all while just being accepted and loved by the caretakers and not having to worry about things a child should never have to worry about, there’s an innate need to fulfill those experiences. I think we (I) regress, and will continue to do so, until those experiences have been had. It’s like a video game where you level up only after certain experiences. The little girl can’t level up to more mature age appropriate experiences, until she’s fulfilled the ones before. She can’t love someone like an adult would, until she’s learned love as a child, and has went through the various levels in between.

Just a glimpse into “my little girl self”…sometimes I just want to color, see my art on someone’s fridge, or have someone tell me they are proud of me or that I’m good, or play silly games like “I spy” with someone who will giggle with me playfully, or be snuggled while watching a funny cartoon, or be held while I sleep and snuggle up with a teddy bear. I don’t care if it sounds strange. It only sounds strange because it’s “childish” and in years I am not a child, but on the inside I very much am. I don’t care…I want those things. I want to feel what they feel like. I want to be cared for. I want to be loved. I want to feel that “unconditional” love that children are supposed to receive. Maybe I’m no longer qualified. Maybe I never was, but I don’t think she’s going to go away until she gets what she’s been needing her entire life.

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