This nails it. I think this is so important to know about me. I could see how my desperate wish at times to be alone could really hurt, say, my boyfriend. He’s never heard me say this, but if he ever reads my blog, he may read it somewhere in here. My statements about being alone, however, are not because I’d actually rather be alone. It’s because in being alone, there’s no one to abandon me. There’s no one to hurt me. There’s no one to break my heart. There’s no one to fail me.
There’s also no one to love me. Love is such a scary thing for me, and when I’m in the throes of my emotional pain, I will say or do anything to make it stop. It’s not that I love him just that little, it’s that the pain is just that bad.
I guess most people can imagine a break-up and think, “Yea. That would hurt and really suck, but eventually I’d be ok and life would go on.” I wish I could think and feel that way. I see suffering to no end. No one will ever understand that, well, no one who doesn’t have BPD. He won’t ever understand that.
So if I ever say how I just wish I were alone, I’m really saying that it would hurt too much to lose you.
It’s a pain you will never comprehend.