I hurt with or without you

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This nails it. I think this is so important to know about me. I could see how my desperate wish at times to be alone could really hurt, say, my boyfriend. He’s never heard me say this, but if he ever reads my blog, he may read it somewhere in here. My statements about being alone, however, are not because I’d actually rather be alone. It’s because in being alone, there’s no one to abandon me. There’s no one to hurt me. There’s no one to break my heart. There’s no one to fail me.

There’s also no one to love me. Love is such a scary thing for me, and when I’m in the throes of my emotional pain, I will say or do anything to  make it stop. It’s not that I love him just that little, it’s that the pain is just that bad.

I guess most people can imagine a break-up and think, “Yea. That would hurt and really suck, but eventually I’d be ok and life would go on.” I wish I could think and feel that way. I see suffering to no end. No one will ever understand that, well, no one who doesn’t have BPD. He won’t ever understand that.

So if I ever say how I just wish I were alone, I’m really saying that it would hurt too much to lose you.

It’s a pain you will never comprehend.

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2 thoughts on “I hurt with or without you

  1. I don’t know, sweetheart:
    you might be familiar with my story, losing the three most consistent and influential people in my life by the time I was nineteen, but I never felt like they abandoned me.
    My uncle kept having more and more severe strokes for three years as I watched him waste away; my mom lost a year long battle with ovarian cancer, watching her waste away. My dad had the heart attack we all knew would come away.
    They didn’t leave, they were taken. Big difference. I know all too well what it’s like to lose someone …
    … and to have someone abandon me There was a young lady, a girl really (who hindsight tells me might have been BPD) who I felt had abandoned me when it was maybe the smartest thing she could have done considering the situation I was in at the time.
    But I miss them all as much as I do the others. The three most importan people in my young life, and my Muse. But at least I understand why they left.
    And when I want to be alone, it’s because I wish to have my own company without the distractions of other around me.
    I understand that with BPD, it’s the all / nothing, black / white extreme thinking. To toss them out before they leave.
    You are obviously a bright, insightful, introspective young woman who somewhere in the middle of your “moments” can tell yourself “this sin’t right. This is not what I believe.” You’re fighting back at it and this is good, it is strength, it is putting that demon illness on warning that you’re just not giving in.
    And it angers that beast to see it, to hear it, to fear it
    Your fighting back and starting to learn starting to experience life on the border.
    Please try to remember that each time it’s harder than the time before it makesw the next time even easier.

    Liz and I will continue to send goof thought heading your way, keep you in our prayers.
    You seem to be too bright a star to let fade out.

    Don’t give up, don’t even give in.
    You have along, treasured future ahead of you and it’ your’ for the taking.

    Take loving care of yourself.

    Harris

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