I think I’m proud of myself. I just looked back at my “Epic Blow Job” post, when I had royally screwed things over with my relationship. That was May 31st. That was 9 days ago! And isn’t it so pathetic that I actually just got a calendar to count how many days it’s been since May 31st… -_-
Anyway. For the past 9 days I’ve done pretty well. I’ve come across some things that I’ve really had to use my skills with. It’s a little scary because I know that the time is coming and BPD will kick my butt. I often do well for a period of time once I destroy something. I’m trying to give myself some credit though, because I’ve gotten through some things that typically trigger me and spiral me out of control.
I’ve found that if my emotions aren’t overwhelming, I am able to use Wise Mind. If the emotions are overwhelming, however, I use mindfulness in the sense that I will find something outside of me to focus on, and I will observe something, then describe the object to myself, remaining non-judgmental, or I will participate in something, such as a game or something that needs my mind’s attention, etc.
I know I have a lot more to learn, but I do think that these things are helpful. I know they won’t be foolproof and I will fail sometimes. I’m not ready for the next BPD beat-down 😦 But I’m happy that I’ve had a very good whole 9 days in a row.
I think I also had the best time ever with my boyfriend the other night. He only came to sleep with me. I was sick. I’m not sure why, but there was something different about things that night, and I loved it. I don’t know if it was me, or if it was him, but it felt like I wasn’t worried the whole time. I’m often swirling mentally with all kinds of worries and I think I remain pretty distanced emotionally. I don’t think I did that this time. I’m not sure. Regardless, it was a great night.
Just today I was dealing with something and decided to ask my boyfriend how he processes certain situations. I felt so silly asking because it seems like something everyone else know, but me. How could I not know how to handle certain things, or how to think certain things through without going crazy and wanting to kill myself? How do other people do it? What do they do differently, that I don’t do? I’ve learned some things.
Anyway, I’ll stop blabbing. Here’s to 9 good days. I know I’ll never be cured, but I never would have thought I’d have a whole week and two days that I didn’t breakdown.