I hate this. When you feel like you are outside yourself watching you fuck things up and create messes and burden people and yet you can’t seem to stop you. Then when the destruction is over and the mess has been made, it’s like you’re watching yourself standing in the wreckage and all you can do is belittle you for being such a fucking idiot.
No one could ever abuse me better than I can. All I hear is how stupid I am. How this is exactly why I should be alone. I just don’t know when to stop. When to shut up. When to leave my issues to myself rather than burdening people with constant questions of reassurance that things are ok. They don’t feel ok but I think I’m in a different world.
I just want to burst into tears right now. I am filled with so much shame I feel like it’s swallowing me. I hate me. I hate that this is happening and I am not equipped to get out of it.
I want to SH. I just really feel like i need punished for being such a defective human being. God I am worthless. I’m hurting.