I realized something today. Something I’ve “known” happens from what I’ve read about BPD, but it never really hit me before, and I guess today I just finally put it all together.
When I get like this, in these moments where I’m in so much emotional pain that I feel like I need to end my life to escape it, I often times get very enraged at people. It’s most often at the people that are closest to me, and the closer we are, the more angry at you I am than at someone else not as close.
The pain is so bad, and I’m in such a scramble to find any sort of relief. I think I have this idea that someone who loves me, if they really loved me, would be able to make the hurt go away. When they don’t do this, it intensifies the hurt and then I get so angry at them for not making me feel better, and that becomes another reason I believe that they “don’t love me and have let me down”. Because if they did, they would have helped me.
And this is what I just realized today. No one has the ability to take this pain away from me. It sounds so simple, and I’m sure almost everyone else in the world above the age of 10 is aware of this…except me. Well, until today. In some ways, I guess this is a good step in the right direction, but in other ways, it’s discouraging. One more defeat. One more thing that “can’t” help me. When I had that belief, I guess I still had hope that I’d eventually find that one person who would care enough to take my pain away. Knowing that person doesn’t exist leaves me feeling pretty helpless.
And now I see how childish I sound. Putting the responsibility on everyone else to make me feel better. I’m still a little lost with this, or where to go with it, or how to make myself feel better. I think that’s really where it all comes from anyway. To experience pain to that extent, you’ll say anything, blame anyone, do anything at all to try and ease that pain. It’s human nature to basically freak out and go to great lengths to stop something that hurts.
Anyway. I’ll have to talk to my therapist about this one. Again, it’s a good understanding I guess, I just have no idea where to go now 😦 And while I can cognitively understand this, my feelings still stay the same. I still feel unloved and need help 😦