BPD and “Emotional Constancy”

I am going to do more research on this one. I know it exists with BPD but I have no juicy factual info yet. Only what I experience.

By emotional consistency, I’m referring to being out of touch with specific mind sets when I’m not in it.

For example, when I’m in a rage and angry at someone i care for, I may know that my good feelings for them existed at some time (or do still exist) but I have no idea what those feelings felt like or why I ever felt them. I can’t get in touch with those thoughts and feelings and it’s like they aren’t a part of me and belonged to someone else.

I believe I have some object constancy issues as well but the emotions aspect is interesting to me. Is that repairable through DBT to the extent that I will be able to bring the two together? The good and bad sides? Or will I only be able to use skills to manage myself during those times until my brain reconnects back to the good side? 😦 IDK

Anyone else?


20 thoughts on “BPD and “Emotional Constancy”

  1. So it’s possible to feel two emotions for one person at the same time? If I am angry I know in a factual sort of way that I love them, but I can’t feel it at all under the anger goes. I can’t really imagine how it works to feel anger and love at the same time!

    It will be interesting to read more about this…

    1. I know! Isn’t it crazy! I can’t imagine what it’s like for both emotions to coexist at the same moment. I think this is another reason we have such fear. When I worry I’ve upset someone i think that means they hate me and don’t want me anymore. Because Idk what it’s like or how they can still love me even if they’re upset with me. I will research more and post about whatever I find!!! Glad I’m not alone.

  2. Oh interesting! Something i have observed myself with Bee.
    Just so I can better imagine before giving my “normal” POV.
    If you can’t “feel” the feeling towards someone because you are upset or so, only “remember” it… is it momentarily? Does it come back automatically as soon as you are not upset anymore?

    Maybe it is hard for me to imagine how I can do “both at the same time,” just as I have a hard time to imagine your side.
    I’ll try, not easy to explain such things.

    It’s kind of black and white for me too. So if I someone really upset me it’s not like I have both feelings at the same time.
    It’s more like love being there, I might not be really “aware” of it, but it’s like it is untouched of being upset. I focus on being upset, but anything can prompt me to change focus.

    Imagine you stand in front of your smiling, loving partner.
    But you focus on an upsetting “clone” standing behind… you still see your smiling partner but he is kind of blurred a bit. But he only needs to say “hey look at me” or squeeze your hand and you just refocus in a second. Not the best analogy… but hey.. difficult! πŸ™‚

    1. Hi. Thank you for your reply!

      Yes, it is momentary. That moment, however, lasts as long as I’m in that current mindset. Once I feel better again, I am back in touch with those good feelings. The same will then hold true about the negative feelings I just had. I will know they existed at some point, but they will feel distant and like they belonged to someone else. I won’t be able to really get in touch with them (until the next time), so much so that if someone told me how much I just hated them, I’d be surprised and wouldn’t really be able to remember on the level that I’d understand how bad it was, etc. Does that make sense?

      I can understand your analogy. I like analogies. Unfortunately what it’s like for me, it’s like the loving partner and the one I love, is one person. Then the person I am upset with for whatever reason, is a whole separate person. When I see one, I only see one. The other doesn’t exist. They’re never there at the same time; it’s not possible.

      Ugh. Anyway, it was great to hear your “normal” side of things πŸ™‚

      1. To be honest, and I think I am in the position to make that judgement, we are all perfectly normal. It’s just extremely difficult to not misunderstand each other.

        Openness is the key.

        So maybe what I have been “experiencing” the last two days are a “sign” of what you explained.
        Interesting… interesting. The problem is… for a “normal” person like me it is hard to gauge if it means anything, and if it does… how much.

        Sadly I can’t openly blog about it for a certain reason. I’d love to hear insider’s perspective on the latest events.

      2. Yea. I don’t like using the word normal, but it’s the word I need to use to express what I mean. “Typical” is sometimes a good replacement but, meh.

        Whether or not it means anything is a big answer. I often tell my boyfriend not to take my episodes personally. They do mean A LOT, but most often they actually mean very little about him and more about me and my past. On the surface they seem to mean a lot about him, but if I really dig down, the root issue has nothing to do with him, he just happened to be the trigger. And sadly, he is my biggest trigger. Not because it is him, just because of the role he has in my life. It’s just the way it goes. So while it is awful for you, if you often trigger her, she must really love you!

        I understand if you can’t openly blog about it. It’s great though that you are open to learning about what you are experiencing rather than dismissing or labeling, and writing it off.

      3. Ha. Almost funny. Read on a forum for bpd-partners. Truly inhume bs. They do nothing else than “splitting,” painting black, dissociating etc themselves. Fucking hate it.

        I learned not to take everything personal and it seemed to make things so much better for both of us. Sadly… things took a turn for the worst when I left for Europe for some weeks (we agreed this being the best for us). Thus triggering her. She left me for someone she knew for a couple of days, went absolutely cold and rejecting. Then weeks of no contact.

        Now she initiated contact. In a very confusing way.

        I don’t know what that could mean. Or if it even does mean anything.

      4. Separations, now matter how big or small, long or short, are like abandonment to a borderline.

        When my boyfriend goes on a trip of any kind, I usually am not ok the entire time. I withdraw. I stop talking to him mostly, and am angry, anxious, upset, hurt, etc.

        Her finding someone new was most like a coping mechanism (not a good one, but still). It could be for a variety of reasons; to feel loved, she may have written you off as not caring, abandoning, etc, it’s tough to provide one clear answer because BPD is pretty messy and all over. Things occur from all different directions.

        I’m curious about the “confusing way” she initiated contact. I think I’m guilty of that as well. I don’t like it, but I broke up with my boyfriend not too long ago. I was in one of my episodes. The next morning, I remember texting him, and almost couldn’t believe it when I realized that he said we were actually over. Like I expected him to have brushed it off or almost couldn’t realize that I actually did that.

        I’m blabbing I’m sorry.

      5. As I said… I was aware of that problem (trigger.) But it is difficult to always keep that in mind, the whole situation was a mess and I lost overview.

        That is exactly the reason why I actually, for the most part, don’t even think about the guy. He’s just that, a filler. I’m not mad at her or anything, I “understand.”

        I would just brush it off, really.
        Maybe the door is opening a bit…but it is confusing.

        If you are interested I could send you an email.

      6. Also, if you’re looking on bpdfamily.com…I don’t recommend that site. Personally, I see a lot of borderline-bashing happening, and a lot of inaccurate info. Just my opinion. That site makes me sad.

      7. It helped me find the “direction” I had to start searching in. I quickly found out what most of what is written there… Well. I don’t think “inhumane’ is too hard of a word…
        I don’t read there anymore, it makes me lose all hope and sad to see how they talk about human beings.

      8. Yea 😦 Shari Schreiber is also another one to be cautious of.

        Anyway, if you’d like my insight on anything, I don’t mind giving it. I also appreciate your opinions on things because it’s a good outsider’s POV

      9. Sure!
        That is one of the reasons I write, also if not mostly for the “other side.”

        Shari Schreiber is a nutcase.
        I wonder where her hate stems from. But maybe she’s just smart and found her niche… She must be BANKING.

      10. To each his own!
        My way of coping is love.

        I had a good laugh lately… They always talk about “radical acceptance” that the partner is sick, doesn’t know what love is and that it was all a phantasy.

        Well. I am more into:

        I know where things are coming from, thus they don’t really hurt me. Like the replacement… Her breaking up hurt… The replacement? No.

      11. I wrote a recent post about borderlines supposedly not being able to love. I have to be careful reading Shari’s work and bpdfamily.com. I often get very angry and wish to share my thoughts on their pages, but then I’d just get dismissed as a borderline in a rage.

  3. I think these pages at BPDFamily.com really help put it into perspective – they address the issue of object or emotional constancy for a person with BPD, and his/her issue of developing a relationship to the most important person in their life.

    My adult (37) son has BPD and the people at BPDFamily.com have helped me help support him after his RTC program (where he got his BPD diagnosis), and helped us to rebuild our relationship.


    I hope this gives someone else the information and insights that it gave me…

    1. Hello. Thank you for your comment. To be honest, I have a really big issue with BPDFamily.com and would never go there, as a borderline, for help. I also would never recommend that site to any of my loved ones unless I wanted to ensure that they’d abandon me.

      I mean this not against you. I appreciate your comment and help and I’m happy to hear that you were able to find use out of that site for your relationship with your son.

      1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly and honestly, Mandi. I think what you are doing here is really great. And I love your website’s name; my son is beautifully BPD, also πŸ˜‰

      2. Thank you for understanding how I feel, and for the compliment. I also think it’s great that you put in the effort you do for your son. I don’t get that from my family. πŸ™‚

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