I don’t know about anyone else, but I think this is a borderline thing.
I really struggle with communicating things to people in a verbal sense. I am great at writing and communicating that way what is going on inside of me, but when faced with having to say out loud what is happening inside of me and what I need, I go blank.
As far as communicating what I am feeling, it’s a combination of not knowing how to pinpoint what I am feeling in order to say it, not knowing how to word it so it will make sense, but most of all not wanting to sound crazy. In regards to telling someone what I need, I think I struggle because I honestly don’t know what I need, I don’t feel worthy of asking anyone for anything, and I fear of being rejected or denied of the things I may ask for. Not to mention I would feel like a burden, especially if I requested something, it was given to me, and then it didn’t make me feel better. It gets quite messy.
Overall, when BPD is very much at the forefront, I get so trapped inside myself that making any verbal attempts to bring the internal into the external and to connect with things outside of me, seem impossible. I am literally trapped inside. I can see people, and hear their voices, but I can’t escape from inside myself. My own internal voice is so loud, and my thoughts are so fast, that it debilitates me for a period of time, which probably looks like a very glossed over facial expression to others.
I believe that’s why the extreme behaviors start to happen. We don’t know how to say any of the above, and so we start acting out. We can’t put words to how badly we feel, and so we start showing how badly we feel. We don’t know how to tell you that we need you, but maybe you will understand how bad it is if we show you, and you will help us. Showing is easier than telling, at least for us. Unfortunately, these behaviors tend to be destructive instead of productive.
So where do we go from here? Of course we need to learn how to verbalize our internal experiences. I tend to stay quiet and still, but then I just silently suffer, and people around me get very confused and discouraged and tend to go away which is exactly the opposite of what I want or need. There’s got to be a better way, but I’m always so afraid to say or do anything, because I’ve seen what I am capable of. And what if I try to talk or do good things, and I lose control of myself? I can be unstoppable in those moments. 😦