I can’t believe I never really posted just about this. It’s such a prominent aspect to BPD. Last night, it was a splitting night. I’ve had it happen before with my boyfriend and I feel like it’s been happening more and more. I know that’s “normal” for me, and I know this is how it goes: the closer we get and the more time our relationship goes on, the more committed we get, the worse my symptoms gets. It’s not fair…but anyway.
I guess I’ll start with this: What is splitting? Splitting is basically the black and white thinking. The “this person is all good right now”, but “Omg they just did something, triggered me” and…”this person is all bad right now”. For myself, the good person and the bad person, are two different people. When the person is good, they never were bad. They are literally all good. When that shift is made, it’s like I have a whole other person standing in front of me and that person was and is always bad, and always will be.
When I shift over to bad, the person even looks physically different to me. I hate looking at them, but I do, and with such confusion, fear, and rage. They look like a stranger. I look at them and I see a person who is deceitful, evil, and is only out to harm me. Everything they say to me, is a lie, and “I know it is” (at least I feel like I know it). When I look at them, I see such hatred in them…for me. They hate me. I hate me too.
I wasn’t feeling great yesterday to begin with. My boyfriend was sort of quiet via texting the past day or two and I don’t do well with that. Then he surprisingly had a dozen roses delivered to me at my job for no reason. That temporarily helped. I cried (happy tears). I’ve never had that happen to me before and it was great. Then we went out on a date last night, and it just felt like trigger after trigger after trigger. Because I already wasn’t quite ok, I was SO nervous to be out. I was ultra sensitive to everything and I just spiraled.
I tried to use my skills. It didn’t really work, and the more things triggered me, the harder and harder it got to use skills. Finally, we got back to my place. I was sort of ok, and then I was triggered again, and that was it for me. He became bad. I remember sitting on the bed and just looking at him. He wasn’t him. He was a bad guy. In my mind, “He had been hurting me all night, lying to me, hiding things and sneaking things.” I was so angry and confused. I don’t think I’ve ever held on so tightly to the fact that I knew what was happening inside of me, even though I couldn’t stop it or change it.
I tried so hard to hold on to sanity…reality, but I didn’t know what the real reality was. I hated myself. So much, and had he not been there, I would have self-harmed for sure. I eventually came out of it enough to get through the rest of the night as normal as possible. I remember at one point laying there and looking at his hand. He wears these two rings on his one thumb, and it’s like an identifiable feature. I held his hand and just kept looking at his rings, and touching his hand, and repeating his name in my head like I was trying to remind/convince myself, of who was actually laying next to me.
This post could potentially be so much longer but I’m going to stop here.
If you’ve made it to the end…could you comment and tell me if you relate? I’m mostly curious if people relate to the specific part where I talked about how people look physically different to me, once I shift to “all bad”.