BPD: A Life Sentence

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I’ve read that BPD can get less intense with age (though I haven’t heard anyone vouch for this). All I hear in that, is that it never goes away. It’s really hard to know that for the rest of my life I will be having to be overly cautious of my thoughts, my feelings, and my behavior. That for the rest of my life I will be a child trapped in an adult’s body…a body that continues to age, and a mind that does not. That I will always be a risk to others, if I am not careful in controlling myself. That I will always experience episodes of sobbing while being curled up on the floor with a stuffed animal because the pain is so unbearable that I get urges to harm or kill myself. That I will always have to work through mental processes simply because someone didn’t reply to my text right away, say “I love you too” quickly enough, or because someone made too neutral of a facial expression that it triggered me into thinking that they were unhappy with me, and were going to leave. To realize that I will forever be that “girl” that’s afraid to be alone, yet afraid to be with people, afraid to be left and forgotten; abandoned;…isn’t a very good realization.

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15 thoughts on “BPD: A Life Sentence

  1. ~Mandi~
    Please don’t lose hope. I at one time was Borderline. I am now no longer meet the criteria for Borderline. Take it from me if you work hard with your therapist you will eventually no longer meet the criteria for Borderline. Borderline is NOT a life sentence. It may feel like but its not.
    ~Gertie~

    1. Does it really “go away” though, or do you just get more efficient with controlling it, and that’s why you don’t meet the criteria??

      1. ~Mandi~
        There are times where it sneaks up on me like me feeling like a little girl but I really do think that if I continue to work through everything that it wont come back but I’m no scientist nor am I researcher. I just know that I no longer meet the criteria because I worked hard through my struggles. Time will only tell. It’s only been 11 months since I’ve no longer met the criteria. I have to have hope that it wont come back because if I don’t then the disorder wins. I don’t want it to win.
        ~Gertie~

      2. So it sounds like you’ve just learned to control it, rather than it controlling you.

        The negative side of me says, “That’s what I mean. It never really goes away. I will deal with it forever. I will always have to cautiously manage it.”

        The supportive side of me says, “I am happy to hear that. Happy to hear that you’ve come that far. That’s a true accomplishment and encouraging to hear.”

        I hope I can get there.

  2. You can manage it.
    It’s not a life sentence, or it has to be your life.
    Just like Gertie said, the therapy helps.
    It really does.

    And by getting older, well, the scientific papers say the symptoms get less and less prominent.

    There is HOPE.

    Do not give up!

    Tina. πŸ™‚

  3. I’ve avoided the term “controlling” when it comes to my Depression and Anxiety. To be able to effectively MANAGE the thoughts, feelings and behaviors would be fine for me.
    Gertie brought up a good point. “Criteria”. You know the way the DSM V works: for a diagnosis of, say, Glenn Beck Disorder or Howie Mandel Syndrome, you need:
    three out of five behaviors from Column A:
    five out of eight from Column B;
    four out of seven….
    And so on.
    If you have two out of five, four out of eight, three out of seven, you don’t get the sticker to put on your shirt or your forehead. Or the Scarlet Letter, but you still have everything left over that is just as real.
    The government is just like that: I’m sure the FDS says it’s okay to have 0.000007% rat balls in your processed lunch meat.
    I don’t want ANY.
    Liz’s BPD has subsided noticeably over the years in terms of frequency and intensity of episodes. Same can be said about her asthma and allergies. Get my point?
    You also have the advantage of an early diagnosis as opposed to some people who have gone through four marriages and thirty-two careers before having the backbone to try to find out “WTF’s my problem?”

    I’ve said it before:
    I’ve spent almost sixty-three years getting this loopy and I’m not about ready to give it up without a fight.
    Never said that was by choice, never meant to imply it.

    I have much more confidence in you than I do with someone who is in total denial over far less daunting quirks.

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