The camping trip is this weekend. We leave early tomorrow morning.
All week I’ve been in arcade car mode (this will make sense if you’ve read my last post). I’ve been anxious and racing, unable to sleep, unable to stop myself, just racing through the day trying to keep up with myself.
I’m excited for the trip, excited to spend time with my boyfriend and see a new place, but man am I really nervous. Scared is probably a better word. What am I scared of? Other than the typical fears of meeting new people, I am mostly worried that I will be totally borderline. I am so afraid I will be triggered…to a really bad extent. So intensely so and I won’t be able to use my skills to get me out of it. Sure, I could go off for a hike by myself, but honestly how safe is that? If I’m in borderline mode, who knows where I’d end up and what I’d do when I get there. I just know me, to an extent, and I scare myself. I just don’t want to lose control.
I just don’t want to ruin the weekend.
I’m looking forward to spending time with my boyfriend and learning more about him and what he’s into. I think I will be ok? I just have fear. I am going to do my best. If I can just manage to sit there with a smile no matter what is going on inside me, that will be good enough for me. I guess I shouldn’t assume that I’m going to be triggered. I’m just so afraid and now I need to stop talking about it because I’m getting myself all worked up.
Here I am in overdrive! God. I have no brakes.