God, can I not be borderline this weekend?

The camping trip is this weekend. We leave early tomorrow morning.

All week I’ve been in arcade car mode (this will make sense if you’ve read my last post). I’ve been anxious and racing, unable to sleep, unable to stop myself, just racing through the day trying to keep up with myself.

I’m excited for the trip, excited to spend time with my boyfriend and see a new place, but man am I really nervous. Scared is probably a better word. What am I scared of? Other than the typical fears of meeting new people, I am mostly worried that I will be totally borderline. I am so afraid I will be triggered…to a really bad extent. So intensely so and I won’t be able to use my skills to get me out of it. Sure, I could go off for a hike by myself, but honestly how safe is that? If I’m in borderline mode, who knows where I’d end up and what I’d do when I get there. I just know me, to an extent, and I scare myself. I just don’t want to lose control.

I just don’t want to ruin the weekend.

I’m looking forward to spending time with my boyfriend and learning more about him and what he’s into. I think I will be ok? I just have fear. I am going to do my best. If I can just manage to sit there with a smile no matter what is going on inside me, that will be good enough for me. I guess I shouldn’t assume that I’m going to be triggered. I’m just so afraid and now I need to stop talking about it because I’m getting myself all worked up.

Here I am in overdrive! God. I have no brakes.


3 thoughts on “God, can I not be borderline this weekend?

  1. First off, I wish I was going with you this weekend.
    I wish I was going with the bunch of you.
    I have my own two-man tent, could maintain a really low profile, you wouldn’t even know I was there.
    Actually, I wish I was going camping ANYwhere. I have some preferences, like Tahoe, or Manressa State Beach where you can set up camp in the dunes, a stone’s throw from the waves breaking on the coastline.
    But no…
    … not gonna happen.
    The other thing is… surprise… you are BPD.
    Doesn’t mean it’s always stronger than you are.
    Make concessions if you have to: part of your capacity for success is being willing to give up a little bit of something to gain something else in return. To give something to someone else (like The Demon) to get something in return.
    That’s not the same as caving in or giving up.

    A very wise Jungian friend of mine once told me “Anticipation is always more intense than realization.”
    That holds true for both colonoscopies and Springsteen concerts.
    That tube snaked up your Netherlands will not hurt as much as you think it will. Bruce and the Boys will put on three hours of incredible artistry, but sometimes they will leave out the song you really, really, most passionately you wanted to hear.

    You have knowledge of how you react in certain situations, and the familiarity to see it coming. You have the knowledge and insight to help you through those moments.
    Not maybe to make them go away, maybe not even to control them, but to manage them.
    You and your man are the only ones who have to know what’s going on, and he’s not going to throw you in the middle of a maelstrom that will thoroughly overwhelm you.
    And don’t kid yourself: if these are good, reliable, trusted friends of his… they know something of what is going on. Not too much to violate your trust, just enough to try to make things more comfortable for the most important person he had with him this weekend.

    You will do fine.
    Stay open to the fun and the adventure and to the new folks who just might end up being a part of your life.
    And I will quote someone who knows you better than anyone else does: sometimes you just have to put a smile on your face and let them know you’re grumpy.
    Remember, you’re in the best environment to go off and get some time just for yourself without seeming like a thoroughly lost misfit.

    You’ll be fine.
    And you’re gonna let yourself enjoy every priceless moment.

    Stay well, stay happy, stay your incredible self,


      1. Better than “ok”.
        Don’t let down those of us who care about you.

        And don’t forget the mosquito repellant and sunscreen and some killer two-piece.

        This is your weekend with him, not them.

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