How’d I do with the hammock? -Drum roll-

Well, I just got home a little bit ago from THE camping trip. It was so fun!

The 7 hour drive turned into a ten and a half hour drive. Thank you, traffic. It certainly wasn’t what we expected, but I surely did not mind being stuck in traffic with him. When we finally got there, we set things up. He showed me how to set up the tent, which was eezy-peezy and fun. We then walked down to say hi to the group, and then we went for a little walk, made a fire, then later hung out a bit more with the group. And one of his friends gave me this knife that you hang around your neck. It’s so neat!

I had one little breakdown that night. It could have been a lot worse, but it wasn’t too bad and passed quickly. I hardly remember what happened. All I remember is we collected some wood and then were putting it together and he was making the fire, and something hit me the wrong way, a facial expression he had. He really didn’t do anything. Often times when I’m just sort of in the background watching him do something, I get really nervous and want to disappear. I think this stems from past experiences with my dad when I was little. My dad was not a patient man at all, and pretty much everything pissed him off. And I don’t mean pissed off where a few swear words are heard under his breath, I mean pissed off like within a second the man is smashing his fist through windows and you better pray to God you aren’t present. Hence the wanting to disappear, part.

Anyway, I tend to misread people a lot in certain situations that are seemingly unnecessarily stressful for me, and as you know, once you’re triggered, BPD takes over and that’s it.

I guess he noticed I wasn’t ok. I think I pretty much shut down. He asked if I wanted to go down with the group and I told him that he could. I need to learn how to just say that I’m not ok. Why is that so hard? Thank God he didn’t go and instead asked if I wanted to lay in the tent with him for a little, and so we did. Within a couple of minutes of snuggling him like Panda, I started crying in a bit of a panic. You know, that borderline moment when things overwhelm you so much inside that you literally feel like you’re goingย to die from the intensity.

And after a few moments of that, just like that, I was ok again. We went down and spent the evening with his friends, and it was fun. They are really really nice people. Completely welcoming right from hello, interesting people, and just carefree and fun. It was pleasant.

Then the next day, best day ever!!! We woke up early and went out for a hike. Aside from the insane amount of bugs that seemed to really like the both of us, it was such a fun time. I saw a bullfrog for the first time! I didn’t even know what they sounded like other than what I’ve heard in the Budweiser commercials, but they apparently don’t actually say Budweiser. We could hear it but couldn’t see it, and the couple we got too close to, jumped in the water before I could see it. So we hunted out the one we kept hearing, and then we found it!!!!! There were TWO! It was so cool, and while we just sat in the woods, it was so peaceful and quiet just listening to all the animals and the water. OH and I saw a real lily pad and lily pad flower for the first time! It was so pretty. Oh and white birch trees? And bugs, lots of bugs. But I learned that dragon flies are our friends! And to think all these years I’ve fearfully avoided them. Now I want to put one on a leash and fly it around with me everywhere. I would name himmmm….probably something boring like Dragon.

After that we went to hike out to this awesome beaver dam and den. I’ve never seen that either! We found the den and my boyfriend said that if we waited long enough, we’d eventually see a beaver. So we sat down and waited. Then there it was! He knew we were there and he started swimming around right in front of us, just looking at us. Then he thumped his tail real hard on the water and went under. He swam around a bit more and then wandered away. When we were on the way back, the bugs got SO bad that we had to run out of the woods. It was crazy but a good time.

Then that night, again I had my second and last little breakdown. We spent a lot of time with all of the people, which was good, but I just don’t do well with that. My brain starts going. It usually starts with my just looking around at everyone and feeling so disconnected. I see all these people that are just…”normal”. They’re talking with each other, they’re doing things and they all share stuff in common, and it all just comes so natural to them…the social stuff. And then there’s me, and I feel detached, lonely, and like a lost little girl. Before I know it, I’m just not ok and am spiraling down faster than I can help myself. My boyfriend held me again that night. It wasn’t as short-lived as the previous time, but I didn’t do anything destructive and I didn’t runaway. I’d say I did well.

OH! On the way home, he took me on a detour to some Dinosaur park. We saw dinosaur footprints in these rocks and stuff. He imprinted dino feet shapes on this strip of paper they had in this little art room and gave it to me ๐Ÿ˜› It was cute, and I’m keeping that. Then we walked through the little nature trails. That didn’t last long because the bugs were getting us again; mostly him this time. Poor guy. BUT we did see tons of little frogs, and he picked one up that was still a tadpole and had a tail! I’ve never seen that before! And then my weekend was fulfilled when we saw a big black snake. I was so disappointed that we hadn’t seen any, and there it was. SO COOL.

And then we came home and here I am. Getting bit all over by bugs isn’t great, but I have to admit that I had a really great time. He let me try getting in the hammock, and it wasn’t bad at all. It was attached to three trees so there really was no chance at flipping (haha). Oh wait…I lie. I did flip OVER the hammock when we were walking ย back from the bathroom last night. I just started to say that he was going to make me fall because he was pulling me behind him and my light wasn’t working. Then he insisted on using the hammock as an obstacle to step over, and down I went. It was a great laugh ๐Ÿ™‚ How I managed to flip over the hammock and I didn’t even sleep in it…I’m good like that.

Anyway, overall it was a great time. Something I’d do again. Thank God for the bathrooms and showers, too. ๐Ÿ™‚

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11 thoughts on “How’d I do with the hammock? -Drum roll-

  1. Mandi,
    I am proud of you. You did extremely well. It seems to me that you are proving to yourself that you are able to handle stressful moments and with only a couple of rough patches. Keep up the good work.

  2. Everything I would have wanted to hear and more.
    There are times the ability to remain childlike is one of our greatest blessings, not one of our most destructive reactions.

    Tell you what, sweetheart: you haven’t lived until you’ve actually danced with a dragonfly.

    Can’t begin to tell you how happy I am things went this well.

    Pops

  3. Liz just had a thought hit her that crossed my mind a while back. I’ve just never thought to ask, even though I have my own theory:

    Why “‘Beautifully’ Borderline”?
    Seems like such a contradiction in terms, but one of my favorite little gimmicks is the use of contradictory words as a phrase.
    Sometimes it works really well.

    Just curious.

    1. I like contradictory words too. In fact, I find myself to be one huge contradiction.

      So…maybe I’ll just make a post to answer this question. Brb ๐Ÿ™‚ Time to write.

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