So I’ve got two things to write about. Though knowing me, those two things will turn into a bunch of random mind-crap that slips in while I’m typing.
First things first. Today I had a visit from an unwanted memory. What triggered it was a lyric in a song about rain falling on someone’s head. A few years ago I was in a pretty bad relationship, and while this may sound like pure borderline blame and finger pointing, it is very true. He was not good to me and it triggered my BPD like I’ve never experienced. It was the worst I’d ever been, and he reenacted a lot of my history of abuse and mistreatment. It was pretty terrible and frankly very twisted.
On one specific night, the internal (and external) chaos, emotions, and pain got way too much to handle and barefoot in the dark, I bolted out the back door. I remember running so fast, yet my feet still couldn’t keep up with my racing heart. Everything inside me was so intense that I couldn’t feel a thing. What I remember feeling, was the cold wet grass. It was raining, and it was cold outside. I ran until I reached a small group of trees that had limbs all but the whole way to the base of the trunk. There was a little nook and as quickly as I could in order to escape the world, I crawled under the tree hoping he wouldn’t find me, and contemplated suicide.
The tree was no match for an umbrella, and while I sat there, the rain fell through all the limbs on me. Growing up, whenever things would get bad, I used to sit and count really fast, just to focus my mind on something…anything. While I counted, I’d stare at the wallpaper which covered every damn room in the house. They were all flowery. I’d stare at the flowers and find patterns, count flowers, and basically find anything I could to focus in on so I could escape from my reality. Under this tree, I counted…and counted…and counted, while rocking back and forth with my knees hugged up to my chest. I’m sure I missed numbers or repeated numbers, but I remembered getting somewhere up in the 6-thousands before finally stopping and going blank. At which point I guess I just sat there.
From under the tree I could see the road. The tree was located not far from the road at a sharp curve. Between the dark and the rain, I figured for sure I could just bolt out into the street, right at the curve, and if I were lucky enough, someone would hit me and that would be the end to the torture I’d been feeling inside for my entire life. I never did anything that I remember. I may have self-harmed under the tree, but I don’t remember. Eventually, I ended up walking back home, taking the verbal abuse for running away, and moving on.
I certainly don’t want to remember this and I really hate how the smallest things can trigger some pretty serious memories that I hope to never think of again. I got through the moment, but I have to say that this memory has been in the back of my mind all day and has left me with this underlying feeling of uneasiness, no matter what I’m doing at the moment.
Thing number two, is PsychForums. I thought it would be good to go check it out. I did, and within 2 minutes I am overwhelmed. There’s just way too much going on there. Between my ADHD and my BPD, I don’t think that is the place for me. I responded to one post and am on my way to deleting my account if I can. I don’t like it there, it’s too busy and there are too many triggers. I like the safety of my blog because there’s only me unless I choose to read other people’s posts, and the comments I get are in most cases never a trigger as the topics are ones I’ve opened up.
I need some snuggles.
I guess I did well keeping to my two things.