BPD: When even crying has no middle-ground

I want to cry, but I don’t.

Sometimes I’m afraid of releasing any emotion for fear that it will take over and I won’t be able to control it, or myself. Sometimes all I want is to let a few tears fall, but I know better. I know how easily a few tears can turn into a whole box of used tissues, a lost hour of time, and fresh cut marks or bruises that need hidden for the next few days.

Sometimes all I want is to express a little excitement or happiness, but I know how easily that can turn into heightened sensitivity that something will trigger me, and from way up there, it’s a long way down and often results in a much harder crash.

Sometimes all I want is to express love and open up to someone, but I know how easily that vulnerability can lead me right into pain.

God, why did you make me come with all of these functions and not the right equipment to handle them? Why would you make humans to love and be loved, but not make me well enough to be able to contribute to that? You might as well just made me allergic to oxygen.

I just want to be able to cry a little without having to be afraid.

I’m tired of being afraid.

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Consuming Nothingness

I had a mostly great day today. Good times with my boyfriend. It felt good. Then something happened this evening and I started going a bit downhill. I’m feeling very empty inside, and it’s making me feel very sad. I feel lonely and unworthy of being loved and cared for. I’m not sure where it’s coming from. I’ve tried to retrace my mental steps but I can’t pinpoint….oh wait…maybe I can. Hmm…is that what it was? I’m not sure. I don’t feel like typing out. It will bring it too close to the surface. I don’t always like to state triggers out loud or in text. It’s like it brings them more to life and I don’t want to do that.

Anyway, so I was laying in bed and the emptiness and sadness was growing so quickly it’s almost hard to breathe. It’s like I can feel this lump in my throat, except it feels like there’s a hole in the  middle of me and it’s growing. Like nothingness is slowly consuming and taking over me. I reached out to T yesterday and I’ve been rereading her response to my email, periodically.

I tried some new things yesterday and I think they worked. I’m working on being more communicative and proactive when I feel BPD coming on or in situations I know will be a trigger. It worked out pretty well. My biggest struggle, and I guess it’s something I just have to learn how to accept and deal with, is that even when I take the right steps, even if they work for certain things like keeping me from being destructive, I’m still left with all of the emotions. It doesn’t take them away. That’s very difficult to deal with because all I want is relief right at that very moment. Like right now.

As childish as this may sound, I feel like it’s just not fair. Not fair that I’m like this and other people are just ok. I wonder what it would be like to not have BPD. It must be such a free feeling. Life may be enjoyable.

I’m not happy with me right now. I don’t really like me but T told me that the triggers are bringing/will bring up past thoughts or beliefs like “I’m not worthy; I’m not loved; I’m not good enough; etc”. I guess that’s what is happening. I’m going to look into EMDR therapy now. I need to take action on that. She keeps telling me it will help and that she sees a lot of things in me that could use that. I guess I’m just a little scared because I’m not familiar with it. Plus it means meeting yet another new therapist/person. Sometimes I just want to hide. I don’t feel safe again.

Broken toy

I’m dwelling on my episode Saturday night. Or maybe more so reflecting on it. I made some poor choices and acted out a bit impulsively and unnecessarily defensively and ended up hurting people. I’ve noticed that when my boyfriend communicates to me that I’ve hurt him, it’s like it flips a switch in me. Like instantaneously I’m brought back to reality and my emotions start functioning more properly again and I feel like it grounds me. I wonder if maybe I should see if he could start telling me sooner when that happens. I think what usually happens is he tells me once I’ve started talking to him again but by then the damage has been done.

Anyway. I’m not too happy with myself but I’m trying not to be too hard on myself either. There’s so much of BPD that I can’t control…no matter how hard I try.

I think overall right now I am just feeling a bit defeated and sad. I feel like a broken toy. When you love someone, you want them to have the best…you wouldn’t give them a broken toy. Yet here I am wanting my boyfriend to have me and love me and keep me…but I’m broken. That leaves me conflicted.

I’m a little teary. I’m really scared for my next episode. 😦 that last one was so horrible I just don’t know what I will do next time. I really need to put some plans in place. Something I can write down and stick to regardless of what my impulsive BPD wants me to do so I can limit the damage I do.

I’m ashamed and scared.

Losing my grip

It’s happening again. Badly. I don’t know. It’s so bad. I feel like I’m going to throw up or pass out or lose control. It’s so intense what I’m feeling. I don’t know what to do. I was going to text T but couldn’t even remember what her name was. I searched my contacts but am not sure if I should text her or not. It’s kind of late and I just don’t know. I could try and just be mindful and just observe but honestly it’s too late. It’s too late for skills. For the mindfulness skills. I’m way too far gone. I feel like it’s choking me and I think I need help. I don’t know what to do. I’m sitting here. Trying to just stay where I am. I’m so dysregulated I’m not sure I’d know what I was doing if I leave this seat. Like it’s controlling me. Mentally I am so foggy and I just don’t know. This is a really bad one 😦 I don’t know what to do.

Hello, Change

Well, I started moving things over this evening. I have to say I am really nervous about this move. I’m not entirely sure why. I think it’s because it’s like another step up, and that makes me afraid. Afraid of failure I think. I’ve been working toward this very move for awhile. It was my goal to get this place by August of this year, and here I am. I’m proud of myself in that respect, but wow I am nervous. What if I don’t make it? What if I CAN”T make it? What if it all falls apart and I just…fail. I just feel like I’m taking on a bit more of life and it’s just scary.

On a more positive note, I am a little excited. I enjoy setting up home. I’m excited to decorate. I LOVE decorating. I need a couple of things that I don’t really have the money for, but I’ve gotta make it work.  I will figure it out.

On a whole other topic…my boyfriend is home. 😀 **big cheesy smiles** 😀 He drove to my job from the airport and got there right around the time he usually comes to get me. It was perfect. We went and got frappes like we usually do. My brain and my emotions were racing and going absolutely crazy. I just wanted to close my eyes and hold onto him so tightly and not let go until my insides calmed down. I didn’t know whether to be thrilled or afraid or expressive about missing him or emotionally restrained and so all of that just mixed together and I was really just a nervous wreck inside and I guess sort of on the outside too. I couldn’t stop shaking.

I still feel better that he is home. Feels like I’ve got some normalcy back, and now I’m moving homes. Goodbye normalcy! I plan on being done with this change by the end of the weekend so I can start getting back some structure and consistency. I need that.

Anyway, I also want to thank you for the comments yesterday when I was a mess. I REALLY appreciated them. I needed to hear that stuff and it did help so thank you.

ALREADY!? ffs

Well that was fast. I’m back. I’m worried. I am mad at me.

His plane is taking off now and Idk I’m all over the place because he is coming back and maybe I guess because I’m worried I will end up not ok and now I’m getting not ok! Wtf. I just said “Just in case, I love you” and then he asked, “Just in case what?” And then my fears puked out in text and I just told him to study that little book in the back of the seat in front of him and that I didn’t know why but I was really worried for some reason. Then he said he had to go they were taking off.

Problem? Just 7 minutes before he said they said they’d be taking off in 30 minutes. Not 7! 30! What if he just wanted to go away from me? I call bullshit. Am I being ridiculous? It hurt. What if he really wanted to just go away and for me to shut up? UGH. What if he’s second guessing coming to see me now when he gets home? What if I ruined it!?!? Things may have been fine and I had to go ramble on and express that I was worried and get all vulnerable and I feel like I just got shot down and now I’m a mess. Now he’s probably wishing he’d stay in Hawaii and thanking God all he has to do is turn his phone off, which is basically just turning me off. If only I came with buttons. I’m sure everyone wished that.

Maybe I’m worrying too much. Maybe my worry about BPD coming is backfiring and making me not ok. Is that possible? Or am I legitimately getting dysregulated for all of the reasons I thought I would be? Why is this happening? WHY?!

Great. It’s going to be a rough night. Now I have all sorts of things in my head 😦 Skills. I will try them. I sorta feel like “fuck skills!”, but I know that’s not right. I ruin everything. EVERYTHING. He says nothing bad ever happens to him, but he’s wrong. He met me.

Tomorrow is the BIG day!

This may be one of my last posts for a couple of days; unless of course I end up all dysregulated and come back to vent. Boyfriend comes home tomorrow. TOMORROW. I couldn’t be more excited. When I think about it, I get so excited inside that I get lightheaded and feel like I could pass out. I feel like it’s been months since I’ve seen him. It hurts. But finally the day is almost here.

I’m happy that I’m so excited because for awhile I was pretty detached. I’m a little worried that BPD will sneak up on me. Maybe when I see him it will be hard, or maybe the closer it gets to reuniting with him, will dysregulate me because with the heightened excitement comes increased vulnerability, which leads to increased sensitivity and fear, etc. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen.

I just miss him. So much. I was a little concerned that maybe he wasn’t happy to be coming home. Maybe he really enjoyed it where he was and just wasn’t happy about leaving. Maybe being there made him realize that I’m just boring and a burden and it sucks to come back to the routine of me. Ugh. Anyway. I’m really excited. I hope it goes well. I hope I hold it together. I want him to be happy to see me, not wishing he never came back because I turn into a borderline mess. I hope he is happy too, and that he still loves me like he did before he left.

 

I love it when…

non-borderlines talk about borderlines like they know what the fuck they’re talking about. In case she reads this, Mom of a BPD son, this is not directed at you. I, against my knowing better, clicked on your link and read some of the feedback from others, and just like always when I look at that site, it just enrages me.

I can’t stand how people talk about borderlines like we are just these “things”. They know enough to babble about how emotional we are, but heaven forbid they have any sensitivity to not talk about us using the language and choice words they do. And for Christ’s sake, how about they know what the hell they’re talking about first. To them, we are just erratic, unloving, crazy people who have no real ability to care for or love others, and no worry about other’s emotions. This could not be further from the truth.

As a borderline…or should I say, as an overly sensitive erratic unloving person, I happen to care TOO MUCH about how other people feel. I am constantly worried that anything I do will cause a negative emotion in someone I care about. For starters, if anyone in this whole fucking world knows what it’s like to hurt, it’s a borderline. I would never want anyone else to feel an ounce of what I do 24/7, let alone to be the cause of it. Secondly, I worry my ass off that if I caused it, that person will surely leave me. And what is a borderline’s biggest fear? ABANDONMENT.

That information is full of shit and that website is swimming with people acting like the very words they label us with. We aren’t fucking “things” to be labeled and dismissed and written off as erratic, and all of the other shit in there. I’m sure as hell too, that if any of them read this post, they’d sit back with their little mental clipboards and note how this is a prime example of borderline rage. Apparently normal people don’t get pissed off, ever, and especially not when they’re being treated or talked about in a completely inaccurate and unfair way.

Way to feed the stigma, bpdfamily.com

Accomplished

So a few months ago I decided I was going to teach myself how to make websites. Ultimately I’d like to learn and become fluent with coding, but that’s a long term goal that will take a lot of work. I’ve got some basic CSS knowledge and a little HTML coding; enough to create and design some sites through wordpress.org.  My motivation behind this was to possibly find some side jobs to make a little extra money with. Something I can do in my own time but that will offer a decent penny and that I will enjoy.

So, to get started I need to do some free work. I started with my sister. She is a Realtor and recently mentioned wanting her own site. I’m just about done, save for any minor changes she may ask for. I also made her some business cards that she was really happy with. It’s taken me a few weeks but it was a lot of fun. Well, it was fun once I got all of the bugs fixed with the site. Of course the theme I had chosen was full of crap and it really was pretty discouraging at first. Once things got moving, it’s been a fun process and she is really happy with it.

It would be really awesome if this took off at least enough to make a couple hundred extra dollars every couple of months or so. God knows I could use the extra money. I like getting things done and I really really like making people happy, and when they’re proud of things I do. It makes me feel good.