BPD wins

Idk what happened. Or what is happening. Or why it’s happening. Today is so hard. I woke up feeling numb I guess. I wasn’t sure what I felt and feel like I’m just sort of existing on autopilot mode. I am in a weird daze like mode with snippets of intense emotions that make me just want to burst into tears. Just as quickly as that comes, it goes and I’m detached and numb again. No one looks or feels familiar. Everyone looks and feels like something I could never possibly relate to and I’m the outcast that no one wants invading.their normal world. Maybe that’s crazy but that’s what my world is like right now. My “reality” which maybe has no reality to it at all. Who knows. I hate feeling like a stranger to myself and I wish I could get away from me. I’m uncomfortable and all I wanna do is hide until this is over. I’m mad at my therapist. I’m not entirely sure why. I just didn’t like how she sounded in her email but maybe I’m getting defensive and prepared for her to be disappointed in me for how badly I am doing. I try so hard but sometimes I don’t have it in me to keep trying and I just have to let myself be defeated while I try to get more atrength. 😦 I’m ashamed of me and I’m sure she will be too. And well probably everyone will be or is. My head is full of bad things. Bad memories. 😦 I don’t know how to make it go away.


10 thoughts on “BPD wins

  1. Hey. Really sorry to hear that you’re having a bad day.
    We can’t be strongstrong all the time, i think you actually showed great strength in having written about it…

  2. It’s so hard to let ourselves be human at times.
    To allow ourselves to have certain… or any… negative or uncomfortable feelings because it means we’ve lost.
    Neither years of therapy nor whiskey barrels of pills will make it all go away and even that doesn’t mean we’ve “lost”.
    “Win” or “Lose”: the ultimate, all-out, balls-to-the-walls, Black Belt, weapons-grade “Split” thinking.
    All or nothing.
    You know how dangerous that can be.
    You know, kid, you won over the weekend if you insist on using those terms. To me, you came out ahead: there was discomfort, there were those feelings that could have hit you at home or in a small club somewhere meeting your guy’s friends, or at his house, or in the Garden of Eden for all I care.
    They might have been stronger than usual, but you made it through the weekend, and unless I’m wildly misreading between the lines, you had a good time. You couldn’t expect it to be perfect. Even Grateful Dead concerts were not perfect, and NOBODY was in an unencumbered, blissful state of mind during those decadent episodes..
    There was the build-up to your weekend, there was the weekend, and now you’ve got the anti-climax. Think that might have something to do with a strange Monday and the makings of a strange Tuesday?
    You run, right? Think I remember you saying something about that. What happens if you do your five miles and don’t cool down afterwards?
    Flexeril. That’s what happens. Or ice packs and Aleve at the least. Unless, of course, you’re in perfect shape.
    You (should have) proved a lot to yourself on the camping trip, even if you didn’t have to join the bear in the woods.
    You should be proud of yourself. You should allow yourself to be just as much as you should allow yourself your moments.
    You might want to ask yourself what happened (fuck reality, here, I’m talking about your feelings) between the good times from the weekend and Monday morning? What was said / wasn’t said or done / wasn’t done that might have thrown you?
    Maybe you’re not that far removed from me taking a couple of days to come down from The Dead or Neil or Leon.
    Or that far removed from yourself finishing off your five miles.

    I might have mentioned it somewhere else in here, but I came within a breath of uncontrollable sobbing ten seconds after a Smores commercial the other night.
    Ten seconds after A SMORES COMMERCIAL.
    Got to thinking about when Liz and Em and Justin and I used to go camping at Sugar Pine Point in Tahoe. Walking to the top of 12,000 foot peaks during the day (just me and Justin; Emmie read and Liz laid in the sun) and sitting around the campfire at night.
    I so badly need to be able to do that with Liz and Em and Justin and his wife and their son – my grandson.
    I don’t rightly know if that will or could ever happen. Ever.
    Maybe never.
    Ten seconds worth of thoughts stemming from A SMORES COMMERCIAL.
    Avoided the sobbing, but I haven’t been quite right since.
    And I’m pretty content with myself for NOT having sobbed uncontrollably even though those feelings are still very much present.
    You can’t control your thoughts which in turn give rise to the feelings those thoughts stir.
    You can exert some control over how you handle those feelings, and ignoring them is not the first step.
    ” I just have to let myself be defeated while I try to get more strength.”
    Muhammed Ali. The Greatest of All Time. And, alright, the Prettiest too. Famous – infamous for his “rope-a-dope” tactics. Took a whole shitload of punches, up against the ropes, while he regained his strength.
    He wasn’t being “defeated”, he was letting the other guy punch himself into a stupor, drain his resources, weaken his potency – and Ali went in for the kill.
    Difference between you and Ali?
    He had to fight someone different every time, and that’s it.
    He had a powerful jab, a destructive uppercut, floated like a butterfly, stung like a bee.
    The punches you’ve got in your arsenal are questions and answers.
    Ali won his fights as much with brains as with brawn.
    And you’re in a street fight with BPD.
    The questions you ask will back it up against the ropes; the answers you reach will knock it on its ass.
    You’ve already shown strength. You do it every day, babe.
    No reason for you to give up or let up.

    But you do need to take it easier on yourself.

    Cyber-hugs, kid.


      1. Hi, Charlotte.

        It did help me. I’m glad that you found some good through this as well. I hope you are doing alright. I’m trying to keep up with your posts but have been so wrapped up in my own crap. I’m sorry.

      2. Hey Mandi,
        I’m glad it helped you too! I’ve been reading your posts too but sometimes I don’t know what to say.. And anyways, I know you’re a busy lady as well 🙂 Take care x

      3. Thanks Charlotte. Glad some of it got through to you. I’ve watched what BPD has done to my wife over the years – before, during,, after treatment – and if I can share some of what I saw and felt, maybe it can make it a little easier on someone else.
        There were days I would return home from work, in tears or worse, terrified of what I would find in the house to greet me. So I’ve gone the non-BPD route and know what it did to me. Hopefully ease the pain for others.
        I think it can help some people to know that my wife is making it through just fine, things very manageable and very nerve wracking at times, but there’s a world of difference.
        And sometimes it helps just knowing a total stranger has been there and has left there, just as you are and hope to be.
        Thanks for the kind words.
        Follow me at http://www.nocturnaladmissions.net.
        A lot more stuff on mental illness and living with it than I planned for there to be


      4. Hello Harris!
        I honestly thought I’d replied to your kind comment; I’ve just seen I probably dreamt it! Oops! Thank you for sharing with me, and I will read your blog very soon. Thank you also for following my blog.
        Take care,

    1. Hi, Pops.

      This was very helpful. I especially liked the Ali analogy. I often feel defeated and like I’ve failed, and like you mentioned, that probably all comes along with my black and white thinking. I’m either doing fantastic, or I’m the scum of the earth that deserves absolutely nothing.

      I’m sorry for being such a downer, and I really appreciate all of the time you take to reply to my insanity, emails, and BPD stuff. It means a lot.

      I’m trying so hard and I guess at times I worry that it isn’t being noticed and like any borderline, it starts scaring me that people will get sick of it and just go away. When I start that worry, I start shoving everyone away before they can walk away from me. 😦

      I’m really not in a great “adult” mental state today, but again, thank you because this comment got through to me.

  3. It’s actually noticed by some of us who, for one reason or another, can relate. Can understand. Can empathize And some of us won’t get sick and won’t go away.
    It’s like I’ve said, my precious little sister, with a couple of different turns in her life, I could easily see my daughter having been where you are. After watching Liz, I don’t know what that would have done to me.
    But you are obviously full of life and passion and the strength to look this sonofabitch in the eye and not back down.
    And you’re trying harder than anyone I’ve ever come across.

    It’s hard not to imagine being by your side somehow.

    Please take care of yourself, and wallow in the pride you should have in the strength which you’ve shown.


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