I think I’d had enough of things. I just can’t take it anymore, and while I’ve had a couple of moments throughout the day that I thought maybe, just maybe I was going to get through it ok, each time that I realize that I’m not, I’m a little worse off than I was before. I’m tired of people. Mostly I’m just tired of being triggered everywhere I turn. As if what I’m already feeling isn’t enough, it just keeps piling on and I can’t handle it anymore. It’s taken all I have to keep myself from going nuts a few times today. A few times I’ve just wanted to whip my phone against something and watch it shatter, or pound my fists against something and scream and yell for shit to stop. It boggles my mind how so much can be happening to me and yet no one can see it. I know it makes sense why they can’t, since it’s all internal, but it’s so intense for me that I feel like it should be visible on the outside. If it were, I’d be bruised and bloody all over because BPD is surely beating me down. I’ve been beaten, and honestly, I’d rather that than this diagnosis. Bruises fade. Cuts heal. Tears dry. BPD is just…a constant torture with no cure and no escape. It’s destroying me and I can’t quite take much more of it.
I caved and mildly SH’d last night. I don’t think I’m happy about it. I felt a bit of shame today off and on, but I don’t think I even care now. It was the only thing that allowed me to fall asleep last night. I’m not sure how else to feel better right now and my thoughts keep getting worse. It’s too much. 😦