What a day. What a last couple of days, really. Today though was more emotional. I’ve been a bit numb the past day or two with an occasional glimpse of rage or just pain with an inability to cry even though I tried and needed to.
I SH’d again last night. Not badly at all, only one. I needed to release a bit of the pain so I could fall asleep. I was so hurt inside and I tried so hard to control myself but I ended up shutting people out because I couldn’t handle any more pain. I kept waking up throughout the night feeling so sick to my stomach with anxiety and thinking about what I was going to do if my boyfriend texted me. I was in such borderline mode, and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop it, so I just sort of watched myself be an idiot. I was in that contradictory mindset where no one could win with me. “He better not text me again acting like he cares because I know he doesn’t” but “How dare he not text me! Doesn’t he care?!”
When he finally texted me this morning, asking if I was ok, I just said “I’m fine. I will be quiet for awhile.” He then replied with this long text message, and that did it. I was standing in my bathroom in front of the mirror, and after I read it, I just looked up and saw myself, and broke down crying. I had to leave for work and so I tried to pull it together. All day was a struggle to fight back tears. At one point, I had a meeting with my boss (a regular weekly meeting), but I got so worked up and yelled, stormed out of the office, and went and cried in the bathroom.
While what I’m experiencing now is very painful, I’m finally being emotional, which is good. Emotions can be worked with. Numbness cannot. I’m not quite out of the throes of BPD yet, but I can feel myself surfacing a bit here and there. I feel fragile, like I could easily be overtaken by the symptoms again, but I’m hoping for the best. I have therapy on Friday in the morning. I’m nervous to go. She hasn’t seen me be borderline yet. Not directly. I’m worried but I need this appointment.
Thank you for sticking with me through my intense posts.