Back at START

So here goes. My boyfriend came over last night and we did some talking. It was very productive and we both felt a lot better after. I don’t want to go into too many details because I know it’d be easy for me to be triggered into a slump, not because it was a bad convo, but anyway…the result was that I take two things off the table: suicide and self-harm.

Done.

I can’t say that I never think about suicide, or that I never will again. I obviously can’t hide the fact that I do or have because I’ve blogged about it. I have two kids and while the thought of suicide is very enticing to me at times, I’ve never been able to come to a place where I have to fight against attempting it. I see their faces in my mind and that’s enough. They’re the reason I’ve made it this far. The suicide thoughts, anyway, or because I want to escape from the pain. That really just means that I need to find a way to lessen the pain.

As for the self-harm, I made it two years without it, but have been doing it since I was 12. It’s always hard in the beginning because you start to depend on it’s relief, the sensation it gives and how quickly it helps. While part of me is fearless in “giving it up” or “taking it off the table”, I guess there is a small part of me that feels a bit panicked. “What will I do instead?” The issue is that when I SH, it all but instantly ends my pain and makes me numb. Being numb sucks, but when your emotions are so strong that they feel like they’re murdering you, numb is an acceptable alternative. When I didn’t self harm for those two years, my episodes/my pain, lingered longer. There was more suffering and I had literally no relief. Without it, I let BPD come and go on its own terms. Self-harming felt like it gave me some control over the diagnosis.

All  in all, I told him I wouldn’t do it anymore, and so I won’t. I need to find replacement coping methods. I’m not sure what they will be or if they will work, but I guess the whole point is finding something that works.

Here’s to starting over.

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3 thoughts on “Back at START

    1. Yea. I just started it actually. I’ve only had 2 sessions so far and the first one was just a “let’s meet and see if we’re a good fit” appointment.

      It’s hard because she doesn’t take insurance so I can only do appointments once a month at most. Which stinks because true DBT is like 2-3 times a week and is to include some group sessions and stuff.

      In either case, though, yes I’ve just started.

  1. There are some people out there who will never feel anything unless it’s painfully uncomfortable.
    The rest of us go through times when they can’t feel anything unless it’s painfully uncomfortable.
    Numb is definitely worse. You can’t fix what you can’t feel.

    This post made me feel so encouraged for you.
    Print it out to hang on your ‘fridge or your bathroom mirror or both for all those times all those trite, Hallmark-card quotations you collect on Post It notes start to sound like bullshit.

    If Marsha Linehan says it, you can doubt it.
    If you say it, it must be true.
    Don’t take her word for it, or your therapists, or your BFF’s or some gimpy ol’ flower child’s word for it that “you can do it”:
    right up there, you’ve shown the strength within yourself.
    Take your own word for it that not only can you do it, but that you’ve already started.

    Cyber-hugs and all nice things,
    Gimpy Ol’ Flower Child

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