So here goes. My boyfriend came over last night and we did some talking. It was very productive and we both felt a lot better after. I don’t want to go into too many details because I know it’d be easy for me to be triggered into a slump, not because it was a bad convo, but anyway…the result was that I take two things off the table: suicide and self-harm.
I can’t say that I never think about suicide, or that I never will again. I obviously can’t hide the fact that I do or have because I’ve blogged about it. I have two kids and while the thought of suicide is very enticing to me at times, I’ve never been able to come to a place where I have to fight against attempting it. I see their faces in my mind and that’s enough. They’re the reason I’ve made it this far. The suicide thoughts, anyway, or because I want to escape from the pain. That really just means that I need to find a way to lessen the pain.
As for the self-harm, I made it two years without it, but have been doing it since I was 12. It’s always hard in the beginning because you start to depend on it’s relief, the sensation it gives and how quickly it helps. While part of me is fearless in “giving it up” or “taking it off the table”, I guess there is a small part of me that feels a bit panicked. “What will I do instead?” The issue is that when I SH, it all but instantly ends my pain and makes me numb. Being numb sucks, but when your emotions are so strong that they feel like they’re murdering you, numb is an acceptable alternative. When I didn’t self harm for those two years, my episodes/my pain, lingered longer. There was more suffering and I had literally no relief. Without it, I let BPD come and go on its own terms. Self-harming felt like it gave me some control over the diagnosis.
All in all, I told him I wouldn’t do it anymore, and so I won’t. I need to find replacement coping methods. I’m not sure what they will be or if they will work, but I guess the whole point is finding something that works.
Here’s to starting over.