I am putting this in a separate post because…it’s just a bigger deal.
My therapist has recommended that I find a therapist who does EMDR. It’s a form of therapy used for trauma and supposedly can be very effective. Whether I do this through EMDR or with her through exposure therapy, I will have to deal with this.
My biggest..BIGGEST…issue, is my dad. I’m not going to go into details because I can’t, but just about every trigger that I experience, is rooted in something with my dad and when I was little.
My sister is getting married next year in June. I know it’s a whole year away, but she may be inviting my dad. I would never put her in a situation to choose between the two of us. This is her big day and I want it to be what she wants it to be. I know, though, that if he is there, it’s going to be very hard for me. Not only will I have to see him with my eyes, but I am sure he will try to talk to me and hug me. I would rather pretend like we don’t know each other, and the very last thing I’d want, is for him to hug me or touch me by any means. I don’t even want to be near him. But God no touching.
My therapist (Let’s just call her T), T says that she will take me through exposure therapy though I should still do EMDR before the wedding because without a doubt, it’s just going to be very bad for me if I just show up and try to deal with that.
Just the thought of going through this makes me feel half sick. She said we will start small, not now but at some point, and I will need to bring in a picture of him. That I need to get used to “seeing” him without being pulled into the trauma and being affected.
This is going to be hard. My fear, outside of the obvious and she also stated this, is that I’m going to get so dysregulated in my appointment…and then the appointment will be over and I will have to go back out into the world. It’s important to really have good practice by that time with these DBT skills so I can handle the dysregulation. So…I guess I will need to put something in place for myself, something that feels safe and good, for when I leave those sessions.
I’m nervous, but that’s in the future. I’m going to try and not think of this anymore for now since I don’t have to. I just had to get that out.