I had therapy this morning. There was a small breakdown during my session but it was good. We started talking about a particular topic that’s really hard for me. It wasn’t necessarily intentional but things just naturally led that direction. Before I knew it, my eyes were welling up with tears and I felt myself getting shaky and scared…and there I was in my little kid mode. She asked me a couple of questions and it was good because I could tell that she knew exactly what was happening and could tell how I was feeling.
It was a difficult moment but ended up being very productive. I talked a bit more about my past; memories and images from my past that really mostly only surface when I’m in this mode. By the time I had finished, it was really great because we were able to make a lot of connections between my current life and how I react to situations and my BPD episodes, to when I was little, things that had happened, and how I ended up reacting to those things at that time. Long story short, situations in the present that trigger me, feel like a repeat for me and so I act accordingly, even though the present isn’t really a repeat and has nothing to do with my past. I hope that makes sense.
I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple of years ago but this was the first time that someone really went through it with me and explained to me what is happening during certain moments when I’m triggered, and even how the PTSD and BPD work together. This insight was extremely valuable, and although it was a very difficult session to get through, I came out of it feeling like I’ve got an even stronger grasp on things.
I need to make some notes for myself because I easily forget things and because when I’m triggered, it’s really hard for me to recall what I learned in therapy. If I write it down, I have something to reference. But anyway, I have a lot of work to do. Not only do I need to keep studying what each skill actually is and what it entails (so I can effectively use them when needed), but I need to be building in a short period of time each day that I practice mindfulness. The more I practice and the more I know about it, the better I can use it when I need it.
I learned more about some of the distress tolerance skills today too, which I can start incorporating. She clarified, which was good, that these particular skills are not made to make me feel better, they’re made to help you get through the moment of your symptoms without acting destructively. They’re healthy replacements for the current unhealthy coping skills that I use. Good stuff since this is just what I was ready to work on.
She said she wants me to reach out to her more in between appointments and call, text, or email her when I feel at all dysregulated so she can coach me. That’s really hard for me because I hate feeling like a burden to people. I guess I will just have to try my best.
I’m really tired now, and I slept so much last night. BPD really wears me out. It’s so tiring to work so hard to get through each moment. Things that other people don’t have to think twice about. It’s draining, but it’s worth it. I really want to be better. I know this will never go away and will always be a part of me, but from what I’m told, if I work hard enough, I can get to a point that I will be in control of it and the “episodes” will be very short and mostly just internal; nothing like what I experience now.
I feel good now. I hope I can hold onto this for awhile.