I’ve been going downhill a bit today. What started it? Boredom. I’ve been trying to keep busy but I couldn’t get rid of this overall feeling of just being freaking bored. I’ve listened to music, taken a nap, wrote, cleaned, cooked, baked…but nothing was really working. I’m trying to hold on so tightly to my awareness of what is happening. As time and boredom progressed, I started to feel a little sad and irritable. And still, I’m trying to hold onto things. I’m trying to just observe what’s happening inside me without being hard on myself or resisting it (which will make it worse), and just sort of allowing it to happen while continuing on with things as usual.
I’ve decided that I need a few things. I made some great outlines and notes for myself that I can reference when needed. But I want a “self-soothe kit”. What that means is that I want more stuffed animals!!! 😛 Honestly they are my number one self-soothing item. But I really want to use the 5 senses part of the distress tolerance skills that I just learned about in my last therapy session. The other skills are great too, but that one seems like an easy start and one that I naturally go to anyway. I’m thinking more stuffed animals, ones I can really hug, not little hand-sized ones, because I just want to lay among them and feel all snuggled in, some scented candles (smells are huge me for; they can make me feel so much better, or be the trigger that sucks me into a severe borderline rage or breakdown within seconds), maybe a soft fleecy blanket, and I love cheesecake so I could always treat myself to a piece of cheesecake when needed. I already have a good sounds app on my phone too.
Anyway, so tonight I will be relying on Panda. My homework for myself is to make a detailed list of specific things for each distress tolerance skill, that I can refer to. Those with BPD know that when you are emotionally dysregulated, once you reach a certain point, you can’t even recall that you were ever taught skills to use let alone to be clear minded enough to think of what they are and how you could use them in the moment. The more I can put in writing for myself, the better.
Anyway, this was a boring post. I just needed to get this off my chest before I attempt going to bed.