Where did I learn not to ask for help?

Does anyone else have trouble asking people for things?

This is basically a trigger for me. I’m not sure exactly why that is, so I think I may just ramble here until I get it all out or come to a conclusion. When I ask someone for something, I feel extremely vulnerable and like I am being a huge burden, no matter how big or small  it is. I think I have this fear or assumption (or both) that the person is going to turn me down simply because I don’t deserve their help. The burden I’ve become by asking them for something, also I think makes me fear that this it what will bring things to an end. They’ll be so angry that I asked them for something, and so undeservingly (not a word), that they decide right then and there that they don’t want me to be a part of their life. Not to mention that I feel like I contribute and offer nothing to others. I’m really a very giving person, but I’m not sure if that shows, and I really don’t have much to offer. So asking for something makes me feel like I’m just taking, and I’m afraid they’ll feel like I’m taking advantage of them because I’ve given them nothing.

Does any of this make sense? Does anyone relate?

I had to ask for something today. I hate that. HATE it. And now I don’t like how I feel. I’m not even sure how I feel! I can’t tell 😦 I just know that I don’t like it. How can I feel better if I’m not sure what’s wrong?

Any my boyfriend is leaving for about 2 weeks to Hawaii. Tomorrow is the last day I will see him and I don’t know if that’s now starting to bother me more because right now I don’t feel good inside because of this asking for help thing, or if the asking for help thing has just brought the Hawaii thing to the surface. I can’t tell! I know it’s likely that I will create tension with him before he leaves. I don’t want to do that. I won’t do that. I just want to be ok. I told him I would be ok. I may have actually promised. Promise or not, I still said I’d be ok and that’s as good as a promise in my eyes.

I don’t know. I just really don’t like how I’m feeling right now and it’s making me uncomfortable.

K. I had to get that out. I’m going to go to bed and focus on my DBT skills til I fall asleep.


4 thoughts on “Where did I learn not to ask for help?

  1. Unfortunately, I think its another “borderline” trait. I hate asking for help as well. Maybe its because a “borderlines” behavior is often so erratic that we feel bad when we ask for something because we often demand so much. Don’t be so hard on yourself because I as a Recovered Borderline still have a difficult time asking for things I need or want.

  2. Everyone has their needs, the needs we can’t supply for or by ourselves.
    By default and by design, the need to ask someone else for their assistance is often the only option. The only productive one, otherwise you need to go through life without at least some of the things you not only need but deserve.
    We’ve been listening to you these past few months, knowing your story, seeing it parts of it within ourselves, feeling the familiar pain that sometimes gets in your way. Hearing your voice asking for some help without even using those words.
    So you’re vulnerable. You’re sensitive. Even fragile in ways.
    Welcome to the club. Welcome to what it’s like to be a living, breathing, caring human being. And it’s the ones like us who seem to be the most sympathetic and empathetic and, well, human.
    When people have a hard time dealing with the thoughts that go along with our daffy point of view on life, I often suggest they try to go a full five minutes NOT thinking about two snails fucking.
    I’m not even sure what that mental picture would look like, but for the next five minutes, do NOT think about it.
    I’m gonna go make a sandwich and be right back.

    Five minutes done?
    Were you able to do it?
    Likely not.
    There are thoughts we just can’t shake no matter how hard some Tony Roberts jack-off tries to inspire us. Those thoughts are too deeply ingrained.
    The less they make sense, the deeper their roots grow.
    That tension you referred to: fear? Trepidation? Concern? Tit-twisting terror? They could cause some tension.
    I wish I knew his name, so let’s just call him Job. You know… patience and all.
    Well, he’s seen you during some strange times before, and was there ever a time after he started to understand when he didn’t WANT to help you?
    I can’t tell you he won’t leave because of some of your needs, but I can’t do that ’cause I don’t know him.
    You do. And you know how many times Job hasn’t even looked away or broken eye contact.
    You know how your thoughts work and how they can misfire.

    But you can’t “know” something that hasn’t happened yet.
    Can’t be done.
    Knowledge involves the truth of a given theory or idea or concept. People KNEW the world was flat, people KNEW some of those women in Salem were witches, and people KNOW that someday Johnny Depp will make another movie worth two hours out of our lives.
    Only time will tell, and when you torture yourself with your own versions of what the Truth will be, you can often help create it.

    Stay strong, li’l sister. We both know that’s a part of you. We both know you’ve already done it.
    You’re not going to grow any stronger if all you have to deal with is five pound weights.

    Hugs and good thoughts for you, sweetheart.
    You’ll be fine.

    Maybe that’s a little too much Tony Roberts for my style, but when was the last time your ever heard that huckster talk about two snails fucking, huh?

    Hope you slept well, woke up with a smile and your face, and can keep it there. Even in your eyes, all the way past the corners of your mouth.
    It’d be lovely for others to see.


  3. I can completely relate to this. I was raised to believe that asking for help is shameful. Just last night at an NA meeting I put the words “I need help” together for the first time in my adult life. It killed me to say it, but I am glad I did.

    I have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. You can check it out on my blog. Congratulations and thank you for your support.

    1. Hi. I didn’t mean to not reply to this. I have been meaning to thank you. That is very nice 🙂 I read over what it is and was confused on what to do with it. I didn’t want you to think that I was ignoring the nomination. Again, I really appreciate it and it’s really neat to hear that you enjoy my blog to that extent 🙂

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