3 – Lunch this afternoon. I had lunch with my boyfriend today. He leaves tomorrow. It mostly went well but I was pretty sensitive/on edge which was just a carry over from last night. I guess one positive is that I told him I didn’t feel good (inside), and I didn’t push him away and he responded well. I think that helped a little.
2 – He is coming over for a little tonight. I’m excited and nervous…more nervous I think because I hope I am ok the whole time. Ok as in, you know, sane and not BPDing it up.
1 – We are meeting for lunch tomorrow too, which is fantastic, but then tomorrow evening he leaves for Hawaii. For like 2 weeks.
So how am I? I’m not sure. There’s a part of me that feels really stupid that its such a difficult issue for me. Like people are thinking, “Who cares? Big deal? It’s not like he’s not coming back. It’s just two weeks.” And I keep telling myself that, but I can’t seem to grasp it for some reason.
I can’t visualize his coming back, at least not in a relieving happy reassuring sense. It’s hard to explain.
What I can feel and visualize, is his leaving. It feels empty, and the closer we get to that time, the emptier I feel. What if he doesn’t come back? What if something happens? Will I know him when he comes back? I think that’s my biggest fear other than his not coming back. It’s going to be weird. Two weeks to the typical person is like 2 years for my borderline brain. I think I will feel awkward. Unsure of how to “reunite”. Does it even count as reuniting after 2 weeks? Heck, after half a day I feel like it’s reuniting. I don’t know why this is all so hard for me to understand and I think that’s part of my trouble, that I don’t know. I can’t pinpoint what I’m feeling.
This is what life is like for me: If my life were a book it would be made up of a bunch of pages, each from a different book. None of them would go together. And then someone asks me to guess what will happen in the next chapter…how can I do that? And so the twist to it all is, my life is actually a connected strand of pages, all part of the same book, but I still have those feelings inside, as if it were not. The character, my boyfriend, that I will again meet in two weeks, will feel like he is from a whole other book and I have to get to know him all over again and see what he is like. What if he changes while he is away?
I don’t think anyone can understand this, or me. I sure don’t. I feel silly and not in a good way 😦