3…2…1…Goodbye

3 – Lunch this afternoon. I had lunch with my boyfriend today. He leaves tomorrow. It mostly went well but I was pretty sensitive/on edge which was just a carry over from last night. I guess one positive is that I told him I didn’t feel good (inside), and I didn’t push him away and he responded well. I think that helped a little.

2 – He is coming over for a little tonight. I’m excited and nervous…more nervous I think because I hope I am ok the whole time. Ok as in, you know, sane and not BPDing it up.

1 – We are meeting for lunch tomorrow too, which is fantastic, but then tomorrow evening he leaves for Hawaii. For like 2 weeks.

Goodbye.

So how am I? I’m not sure. There’s a part of me that feels really stupid that its such a difficult issue for me. Like people are thinking, “Who cares? Big deal? It’s not like he’s not coming back. It’s just two weeks.” And I keep telling myself that, but I can’t seem to grasp it for some reason.

I can’t visualize his coming back, at least not in a relieving happy reassuring sense. It’s hard to explain.

What I can feel and visualize, is his leaving. It feels empty, and the closer we get to that time, the emptier I feel. What if he doesn’t come back? What if something happens? Will I know him when he comes back? I think that’s my biggest fear other than his not coming back. It’s going to be weird. Two weeks to the typical person is like 2 years for my borderline brain. I think I will feel awkward. Unsure of how to “reunite”. Does it even count as reuniting after 2 weeks? Heck, after half a day I feel like it’s reuniting. I don’t know why this is all so hard for me to understand and I think that’s part of my trouble, that I don’t know. I can’t pinpoint what I’m feeling.

This is what life is like for me: If my life were a book it would be made up of a bunch of pages, each from a different book. None of them would go together. And then someone asks me to guess what will happen in the next chapter…how can I do that? And so the twist to it all is, my life is actually a connected strand of pages, all part of the same book, but I still have those feelings inside, as if it were not. The character, my boyfriend, that I will again meet in two weeks, will feel like he is from a whole other book and I have to get to know him all over again and see what he is like. What if he changes while he is away?

I don’t think anyone can understand this, or me. I sure don’t. I feel silly and not in a good way 😦

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3 thoughts on “3…2…1…Goodbye

  1. I like the analogy to the pages of so many different books coming together. That can perfectly describe the feelings that can really throw off anyone- somewhat like matching up all the pieces of puzzles of you with entirely different expressions on each and every picture/puzzle.
    They all seem to belong with one another, but the picture is so distorted, so deceitful.
    What are you to think? What are you to feel?
    Whatever comes your way, dear. Each thought, each feeling has so much to learn from each of the others after which they can all work together.

  2. ‘Two weeks to the typical person is like 2 years for my borderline brain’. I can completely relate to this. My life is literally like a constant whirlwind because I do everything at a million miles an hour. More could have happened in that two minutes than any normal person would experience in a decade. I say normal person, because I don’t feel normal at all. It’s embarrassing, too.

    I’m not sure how to get over it, but I’m sure we both can. Keep positive and show this stupid thing that you’re the boss.

    Xx

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