Ok, touchy subject. I’m not asking for opinions on whether God is real or what everyone’s religion is. If you’ve got nothing good to say, don’t comment if this simply isn’t your thing. I post to journal, not to make other people happy.
I believe in God. I used to be more involved than I am now, but I still believe in him. I realized recently, however, that the splitting symptom is directed at God as well.
I recently read someone’s post of which they expressed how through everything they’ve been through, God has always been there for them. I completely support that for that person, and I think it’s excellent that the person has that. It just got me thinking, and even made me feel a little sad, that I never had that.
I remember laying in bed every night when I was little, and crying and praying to God for him to help me or save me, or even just to take my life. After years of doing this, and never getting any help (things really only kept getting worse), I really never felt anything and felt like I was just talking to a wall. Eventually, I think around age 12, I decided I didn’t really believe in him.
Fast forward about 6-8 years, and something happened out of nowhere and it was like overnight I completely transformed. For a couple of years, I experienced God in a way that I never had before. Then again, something happened and I felt completely betrayed. Because of this experience with him, I still believe he is real, but I split him a lot.
Currently, I’m pretty mad at him. I just realized, that when something good happens, I’m all “Oh, thank you God, you’re the best, you’re so good to me” blah blah blah…but as soon as something bad happens, I can’t remember any of the good and then I’m all “Oh my God, you’re NEVER there for me, you’re like everyone else” etc etc etc
Ugh. I’m sure he doesn’t appreciate it, but at the same time I’m sure he is the only one who truly understands it. There’s one thing in particular that I’m aware of that he really was on my side with, and I haven’t forgotten about that one thing. I thank him every day for it. I still wonder though, why he’s left me struggling for so long. Am I missing something? Does he not see how tired I am? And most of all, how can he just not do anything when he knows I’m sitting in the middle of my bed, sobbing, self-harming, and wanting to die? I don’t understand that 😦 To me, he feels like everyone else in those moments. He lets me down. And so, he gets split.