BPD and God

Ok, touchy subject. I’m not asking for opinions on whether God is real or what everyone’s religion is. If you’ve got nothing good to say, don’t comment if this simply isn’t your thing. I post to journal, not to make other people happy.

I believe in God. I used to be more involved than I am now, but I still believe in him. I realized recently, however, that the splitting symptom is directed at God as well.

I recently read someone’s post of which they expressed how through everything they’ve been through, God has always been there for them. I completely support that for that person, and I think it’s excellent that the person has that. It just got me thinking, and even made me feel a little sad, that I never had that.

I remember laying in bed every night when I was little, and crying and praying to God for him to help me or save me, or even just to take my life. After years of doing this, and never getting any help (things really only kept getting worse), I really never felt anything and felt like I was just talking to a wall. Eventually, I think around age 12, I decided I didn’t really believe in him.

Fast forward about 6-8 years, and something happened out of nowhere and it was like overnight I completely transformed. For a couple of years, I experienced God in a way that I never had before. Then again, something happened and I felt completely betrayed. Because of this experience with him, I still believe he is real, but I split him a lot.

Currently, I’m pretty mad at him. I just realized, that when something good happens, I’m all “Oh, thank you God, you’re the best, you’re so good to me” blah blah blah…but as soon as something bad happens, I can’t remember any of the good and then I’m all “Oh my God, you’re NEVER there for me, you’re like everyone else” etc etc etc

Ugh. I’m sure he doesn’t appreciate it, but at the same time I’m sure he is the only one who truly understands it. There’s one thing in particular that I’m aware of that he really was on my side with, and I haven’t forgotten about that one thing. I thank him every day for it. I still wonder though, why he’s left me struggling for so long. Am I missing something? Does he not see how tired I am? And most of all, how can he just not do anything when he knows I’m sitting in the middle of my bed, sobbing, self-harming, and wanting to die? I don’t understand that 😦 To me, he feels like everyone else in those moments. He lets me down. And so, he gets split.

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7 thoughts on “BPD and God

  1. I wont say too much on this topic as our views are vastly different, but I will say this, one can’t believe solely when things are going in their favor. You either believe or not, and truly believing I would think is having unwavering faith. However I think humans were made to question everything, without that… our society wouldn’t be where it is today.

    I know how hard life can be, we all have been there before, some more than others. The only way for things to get better is simply making the situation better. If he does exist I doubt he would have enough time to make everyone’s life perfect/the way we want. Sometimes I think we are just given a room full of doors and whichever door we go through opens even more. They say he gave us freewill, so what I am trying to summarize is that things may be bad now but they won’t ever get better by just hoping, force the bad into good. 🙂

    1. Hey. Thank you for your reply even though you have different views.

      Sometimes I feel like the more I try, the worse it gets. Or I just feel so helpless because it isn’t things I can control. But then again, sometimes when I try I back off and give up because I’m worried I won’t be successful.

      Well jeez this is messy. I need to stop that.

  2. God answers all prayers. All prayers.
    Sometimes the answer is “Yes”.
    Sometimes the answer is “No.”
    If you split that down the middle (that WAS intentional by the way) there are many, many times when the answer …
    “Dude… you might really wanna think this over some more.”

    When I feel that He has let me down…
    I don’t know that I ever have, really. Never blamed Him for anything that went wrong. Can’t imagine that He would ever have any reason to have Fate go all the way out of it’s way on day just to span the horizon in front of me.
    He just has too much invested in me already
    Why would He want to fuck with me?

    We all have those Fateful moments in the sense that nothing is the same after that.
    Nothing.
    Never again.
    I’ve had my share. You might have read some of the stories, but I’m talking about five, maybe ten seconds of your life…
    … and you’ve got this spider-shaped crack on the windshield protecting you from Life.
    It spreads out on your horizon, from one vein to a second and third, which each spread out into two and three.
    Sometimes you have one of the branches of one of those Fateful moments cross paths with one of the branches of one of the other Fateful moments …
    And the possibilities are endless.
    But you want to get all those qualities and those strengths and those smiles, those things you learned… you want to get them in some sort of balance with those Fateful moments that have terrified you from the past.
    Looks good on paper, but so did the Bill or Rights.
    I think God set Fate in motion on a very structured, logical path of Causality, and the only one who is a Game Ganger in this one is us.
    And we’re the ones who kept Fate going in whatever directions we did, although we had some company along the way that kicked in every now an then.
    God set in motion a series of infinite possibilities for us to learn from, to laugh over, to cry through…
    myself, I figure He’s too entertained to step in get in the way.
    But I sure don’t figure He’s gonna fuck with us for shits and giggles (or for Him, I would suppose it would be doves and quails and hummingbirds and dragonflies and butterflies).
    He won’t let you get hurt that there’s no way out.
    I little farther up those spider-like veins is another vein from a much better vine up from a much richer branch.
    The path you take is your own, and I don’t believe that if we get too close to the edge that He would let us fall over much less push us over.
    He loves us that much, sometimes more than we love ourselves.

    So you can get mad at yourself all you want and blame yourself all you want and most of the time people are too damned hard on themselves then they do that…
    no need to blame yourself for absolutely everything. Nor need to hate yourself for it.
    He doesn’t blame you. He’s not angry at you.
    He still loves you.
    He is still watching over you or you wouldn’t have made it this far, this strong.
    Why be mad at Him?
    Don’t abandon Him.

    1. I think he answers all mine “no”, or he never answers. No, that’s a lie. I can list things he’s answered yes to. I guess my point was the splitting and it’s not something I do on purpose. I just can’t recall the good when its bad, and same with the bad when it’s good. Grrr

      1. I forgot one thing:
        sometimes the answer is “Not quite yet”.
        I’ve gotten a bunch of those.
        Tries my patience, but I’ve certainly tried His more than my share of times.

  3. We all get mad sometimes hun. There are times when I wonder why God would be cruel enough to leave me here with this bpd. Times when I just want to give up and turn away from Him. But when the bpd emotions calm down and I look back, I can see He was still there. It’s a really tough one to get your head around. I think struggles and sufferings are one of the most challenging aspects of being a Christian. But I do believe that out of every bad event something positive can come. Every struggle has made us who we are and we are all amazing really. Doesn’t feel like that on a bad day I know! But God loves you, He is for you and He will never let you go.
    Keep believing and trusting.
    Xx

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