It’s been a bit of a rough day. I reached out to my therapist for the first time, so I guess that’s good. I didn’t do anything too stupid, that’s also good I guess. I got through it alright…so far. It still sucks. It sucks that it’s an issue at all and that I have to work so hard, but I guess I better get used to that because this will be my life…forever. Though its supposed to get easier. In all honesty, this was better than bawling in the fetal position and decorating my body with a sharp object. So, its a step up, but it still sucks.
I didn’t hear from my boyfriend for 12 whole hours. When I woke up in the morning and still hadn’t heard from him, right away I just felt…forgotten. I felt like that was it. He forgot about me. He didn’t love me anymore. I’d never hear from or see him again. Forgotten. Completely and utterly forgotten. Like I didn’t exist anymore, for anyone. It’s a really bad feeling.
I sat with it all day until I reached my boiling point. It’s amazing how quickly “hurt” turns into “rage”. Anger I guess is easier to deal with because it’s projected at someone else, rather than being hurt where you are the target. No one likes to be the target. So there I was, at work, unable to concentrate. Unable to work. Unable to eat. Right away I told myself I needed to use my skills. But for the life of my racing dysregulated brain, I couldn’t recall a single one. I tried so hard, but my brain was going so fast, I couldn’t slow it down enough to focus on pulling a skill from my memory, and so all I came up with that I’d do, was throw at him a bunch of swear words and then ignore him “like he ignored me”, for at least 12 hours. I instead decided to text my therapist for help, and she got back to me rather quickly.
It was hard to overcome. Somehow, responding to him and going against my revengeful behavior felt like I was invalidating myself and what I felt about the situation. It feels like you’re giving up your shield, armor, and weapons in the midst of a war. Except I guess I’m the only one who feels or knows that we’re in a war. It’s just so hard 😦
Funny too, because right after I texted her, he texted me. I ignored it for a little while. Partly because that’s what I just wanted to do because I was so hurt and angry, but quickly it became because I just wasn’t in a place to respond. Nothing good would have come of it. Within 3 hours he asked if I was ok. I was blown away given the 12 I had waited, and this unfortunately spiked my emotions up once again. T kept texting me, which was helpful, and we decided on some things, and had a plan.
When I finally got home from work, I texted him back; guard down. He replied and we talked a little. I guess it’s better. I’m not better as in all ok, but I’m better than I was, I guess. I don’t know.
It’s hard. I know I keep repeating that. It just is. As a borderline, when you find someone or something that starts to fill a need or a void that you’ve had for…well, forever, you just emotionally cling to it so hard, because you just need it so badly…but then its so scary at any tiny hint that it may not be what you thought, or that your pain is going to be repeated…and you just want to run, so fast and so far, almost being sure to leave destruction behind you because you are so set on protecting yourself and making it clear that no one will hurt you again; and so you hurt them instead.
Sigh. It wasn’t fun, but I think I got through this one ok? I’m not sure but I think I did all the right things. I can still feel myself going through all the phases of it all. I did the right things and yet somehow I feel so self-loathing, and ashamed. Very ashamed, and self-punishing. 😦
I’m still hanging on.