I think everyone is supposed to live a period of time in their life when their only job is to be taken care of, right? I’m pretty sure that’s the job of a child. I’m sad that I never was just “taken care of” and I don’t like that I missed out on that. I still want that. I still need it. Sometimes it’s all I want. I get so tired of trying to play “adult”. When is it my turn to just be taken care of? I’ve not had a turn yet. I feel like I’m sitting at a huge table with every other person in the whole world, and everyone else is getting a turn except for me. And if I try to speak up, it’s like raising your hand in class and never being called on…like you’re invisible. Eventually you stop raising your hand because it hurts too badly to be ignored. So you start internalizing and suppressing.
Growing up for me was…lonely. Things would happen that didn’t feel good, but no one would acknowledge it. No one would validate that it didn’t feel good, or that it truly wasn’t a good thing, and so I stopped raising my hand. Confused but knowing no better, those bad things became my perception of what the world was and what it should be. What would I know, right? I’ve only lived a few years or so.
It still never felt right no matter how much they ignored it. No one held me. There was no one to hold me though. The ones that should were the betrayers. Who else is there? No one protected me or kept me safe. The ones that should have, were the invaders. No one assured me that everything would be ok. The ones that should have were the ones who proved to me that it would never be ok. No one kissed my cuts and bruises or wiped away my tears. The ones that should have, gave them to me. No one made me feel worthy of anything. The ones that should have, proved that I wasn’t.
Wow, where does this leave a person? The body grows. The mind doesn’t. The needs stay the same because they’re never met. The same set of fears remain because they’ve never been proven to not need to be fears.
No wonder I’m so fucked up. And given the context of this post I feel it’s ok to say: it’s just not fair.