I missed my turn

I think everyone is supposed to live a period of time in their life when their only job is to be taken care of, right? I’m pretty sure that’s the job of a child. I’m sad that I never was just “taken care of” and I don’t like that I missed out on that. I still want that. I still need it. Sometimes it’s all I want. I get so tired of trying to play “adult”. When is it my turn to just be taken care of? I’ve not had a turn yet. I feel like I’m sitting at a huge table with every other person in the whole world, and everyone else is getting a turn except for me. And if I try to speak up, it’s like raising your hand in class and never being called on…like you’re invisible. Eventually you stop raising your hand because it hurts too badly to be ignored. So you start internalizing and suppressing.

Growing up for me was…lonely. Things would happen that didn’t feel good, but no one would acknowledge it. No one would validate that it didn’t feel good, or that it truly wasn’t a good thing, and so I stopped raising my hand. Confused but knowing no better, those bad things became my perception of what the world was and what it should be. What would I know, right? I’ve only lived a few years or so.

It still never felt right no matter how much they ignored it. No one held me. There was no one to hold me though. The ones that should were the betrayers. Who else is there? No one protected me or kept me safe. The ones that should have, were the invaders. No one assured me that everything would be ok. The ones that should have were the ones who proved to me that it would never be ok. No one kissed my cuts and bruises or wiped away my tears. The ones that should have, gave them to me. No one made me feel worthy of anything. The ones that should have, proved that I wasn’t.

Wow, where does this leave a person? The body grows. The mind doesn’t. The needs stay the same because they’re never met. The same set of fears remain because they’ve never been proven to not need to be fears.

No wonder I’m so fucked up. And given the context of this post I feel it’s ok to say: it’s just not fair.

 

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4 thoughts on “I missed my turn

  1. Oh great.
    Now you’ve got me to thinking again, and I need to post a story about Chocolate Cream Pie.
    As soon as I get a bunch less anal about the one about…
    … well, it’s the hundredth one.

    And about you being fucked up?
    This quote from the novel “Catch 22” by Joseph Heller repeatedly comes back to me. Not just about you, by any means, but by all of us who are fighting our demons.
    You need to keep in mind that this is about fighter pilots in World War II, but it works on so many levels:

    “There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one’s own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn’t, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn’t have to; but if he didn’t want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
    “‘That’s some catch, that catch-22,’ he observed.
    “It’s the best there is,’ Doc Daneeka agreed.”

    The worst of us don’t realize what the problem is.
    Don’t even necessarily realize there is a problem.
    Or, worst of all, choose not to acknowledge it and (more often than not) decide that it’s everybody else’s fault.
    That’s when someone becomes their own biggest problem.

    You, dear child, are most assuredly not even part of your problem, and there’s hope and growth ahead of you.

    As always…

    Pops

  2. I missed my turn too, was very fucked up, and it is very very unfair to the nth degree! I healed ALOT during DBT training and now I feel like I’ve become adult enough in some ways to take care of the part of me that is the child that missed her turn. I completely get what you are saying here.

    1. Thank you for your comments and for sharing your understanding and experiences. I really appreciate it!! I hope I reach that point in DBT.

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