Who am I?
Am I the girl that goes to work every day and makes responsible decisions, talks to hundreds of customers and takes a stand on things? Or maybe I’m the girl that’s too confused and afraid to choose what she should have for lunch, and needs someone else to decide for her. Yet, I could be the raging bitch that wants to verbally tear you down so you know you can’t walk all over her…but maybe I am the doormat, because I just don’t know better. Then there’s that one girl. The confident one who can pose in front of a camera, tell a funny joke, or be the joke and laugh at herself…but no, because there’s also the me that shields her face from the lens, criticizes every feature of her body until she brings herself to tears and then injures herself physically to prove her self-hatred for that girl, and to punish her.
I’m not sure who I am. I was brushing my teeth and saw myself in the mirror. I really hate looking at myself in the mirror. It feels like I’m looking at someone else, but when I do feel like I’m looking at “me”, it never goes well. So when I saw her in the mirror, I was wondering who I was, and it sort of hit me a bit more at that moment that I really have no cohesive sense of anyone, including myself.
When someone is being nice, that’s one person. When that “same person” is being mean, I separate that person into two; the nice person and the mean person. I’m not sure how to put them together. How can Johnny be good, but be so bad all at the same time? Johnny isn’t real. I just made him up for an example, but you get it. Then there’s “me”. I don’t know how to put all of those things together for myself either, in order to create a cohesive identity.
Splitting. I’ve talked about it before, but it goes so much further beyond just the good and the bad. It’s like whichever trait is more prevalent at any given time, creates a new person out of that person. It gets so confusing if you can imagine. No wonder I’m always observing people. I’m trying to figure out who they are at that time. Is it mean Johnny? Nice Johnny? Funny Johnny? Shy Johnny? Angry Johnny? Who knows.
It’s very confusing being borderline. Nothing makes sense. I’m sad.