Stranger

I’m very sad. I keep thinking about my boyfriend and trying to pull memories from my memory bank but I feel like I’m losing them. It’s like he died and so much time has gone by that I can’t remember him anymore. And the most awful part in that is that it’s only been a week and I have one more week to go. Borderline time stinks. It’s like…worse than dog years or maybe very similar. I’m not sure if this is something I can fix or if I just have to let it be until he comes home. We have a great vacation coming up and he told me to try and focus on that. I’m really trying but nothing feels real. Does anyone relate? Is there anything I can do or is this one of the symptoms I will just have to accept and suffer through? I’m just sad yet detached and numb and angry and hurt all at the same time. How do normal people do it? What do they feel when their loved one is away for a bit?

😦 I’m trying.

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5 thoughts on “Stranger

  1. Thanks for posting this. I know it is a different situation, but my boyfriend is really busy for a few days, so I won’t be able to see him at the weekend or speak to him in the evenings (because he will get back late and be too tired). Even though I know it’s not his fault, I know I blame him, and I resent him for not trying harder to be there for me. When I next see him or speak to him, I will probably push him away and try to be more independent because I feel like he isn’t there enough. I also find it very hard to remember the good things between us and the love he has shown in the past when we aren’t together and feeling happy: Those memories are just gone. I am supposed to be staying with my boyfriend for a week in a few weeks’ time but my mind doesn’t seem to really process that because it lives in the here and now and the need to feel loved now.

    1. Hi. Your situation isn’t all that different because the feelings are the same. I can relate so much to what you said. I feel all of that. I feel the anger I have toward my boyfriend even though somewhere in me I know he is doing nothing wrong, like “How could you just leave me? And for 2 weeks?” And also like you said about forgetting the good memories. I try to recall them and to bring the experience back to make myself feel better but I can’t, and my brain doesn’t know how to look that far into the future and to find peace in the fact that we will be spending a lot of time together for this trip.

      Thank you so much for replying. It means a lot to hear that you completely get what I was describing. Ty

  2. I went down to visit our son and grandson in Fresno a few times, and within the first ten minutes of the two hours heading back up north to our place it was like it had been a dream. Just a series of low-res cell phone videos running through my mind.
    Strange, unsettling, ’cause the sense of joy and peace and comfort while I was there was so overwhelming.
    It was devastating because our visits were not often enough, and now with their move two hours farther south it’s a weight my shoulders aren’t able to handle.
    I’m not BPD, I deal with Depression and Anxiety, but my wife is BPD and has expressed the same type of feelings.
    I know it’s “normal” (what the hell is that, anyway?) to a degree for anybody, but it’s torturous for me.
    Does that happen to you, Mandi, or anybody else out there?

    1. Hi, Pops.

      I experience that too. My whole life is like that. Any moment that isn’t the current moment I am living, feels like it was a dream, or a story someone else told me about their life, or a movie or television show that I saw that I’m simply replaying in my head.

      I know exactly what you mean.

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