My boyfriend literally just texted me a picture of him. My very very first reaction was one that someone would have if they’d just walked into their own surprise party. That only lasted about a split second and then the tears came. What happened??? It was like the reality of his existence hit me and it just made me cry because he isn’t here. I think throughout the past week since he left for his vacation, it’s like he’d become a figment of my imagination, which was scary because I couldn’t keep hold of him within my world no matter how hard I tried. Then when he sent me that picture it was like my borderline world had been struck by a huge comet called REALITY, and when it exploded through, it shot shards of emotion into me that I’d been out of touch with this whole time. The tears have already stopped but it was a very weird moment. Like I was overwhelmingly happy, sad, hurt, excited…all at the same time. I think I’m alright now, but weird.



One thought on “Surprise!

  1. Well, dear…
    a trigger.
    Nothing makes me happier than being able to see our grandson.
    A picture of him sitting on a small peninsula watching a whale breach a couple of hundred yards off the beach?
    “Oh my God that’s so beautiful down there and then he got to see a whale come up so close to the beach and it wasn’t just swimming by and I wish I could have been there to see that even without the whale breaching or even without the whale just to watch the ocean while we sit and talk and I’ve never been to the beach with him and I don’t even know when I’ll be able to do that or even if I will and I haven’t even sat next to him anywhere at all in almost six months….”
    I’m off and running. The tears, the snot, the sobbing.
    I try my best to see the beauty in his moment, the joy he’s able to feel, the excitement… try to find joy in his life for him, and then I drag myself into the picture.
    Can’t be done.
    It makes perfectly good sense to react and then respond like that…
    and it’s a bitch.
    With time I can find the happiness of his moment and appreciate it, but that’s not the first thing I see.
    But it might be better than another week of another week with your boyfriend as a fading memory of a dream of having seen some home videos.
    He’s real, your feelings are real, and his feelings for you are real, otherwise I wouldn’t be typing right now.

    So… in its own cruel way, that wasn’t all bad, now was it?


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