Cry myself to sleep

I think I’m going to cry tonight. It’s such a weird feeling to know where you are but to feel so entirely lost. I described it like this to T. You know when you’re little and you’re out with mom at the mall or something and suddenly you realize mom isn’t there and you look around but don’t see her. That’s the feeling I get sometimes. Like I’m just this lost little girl.

I was excited earlier to come to bed. I am very tired. Now I’m here and i don’t want to be. I keep seeing my room as a kid. I feel like I’m there. Alone. I was alone a lot.

I don’t feel good and I really want to shut the world out because I need something but I don’t know what and nothing is helping.

I don’t even know where all of this is coming from!!!!!! Hello anger.

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One thought on “Cry myself to sleep

  1. Hey sweetheart,
    Know the feeling.
    Think I might have mentioned it before. Get used to it. I repeat myself A LOT. It’s not my mind slipping on me: our daughter tells me I’ve been doing that for thirty-seven years.
    Gotten to the point where she can join me on the choruses.
    I’ve gone to bed, or spent sleepless nights on the couch sobbing because I want my Mommy. There are times that vulnerability just comes on full force, maybe more often for folks like us.
    I know it didn’t help me to lose her at sixteen, and you lost yours… when was that? And she’s still around.
    Most of our vulnerabilities are forced on us.

    For me tonight…
    gonna be tears through the sleeplessness.
    Had to check Liz into a crisis home. She was hearing the sirens badly the past few weeks, didn’t let it show a whole bunch, but last night she called me into the bedroom to talk (with a capital “T” by the sound of her voice).
    She had been praying on and off all day asking for help, asking why He wasn’t helping, and the thought came to her that she just had to be someplace where she could feel really, really safe.
    Nothing against our place, nothing against me…
    … she wasn’t sure if she was safe from herself.
    For her, it’s been improvement, and lots of it, for three years, but nothing other than meds. No therapy. She hasn’t thought to go back for it ’cause she was feeling better.
    Better is not the same as good. You have a fever of 104, it goes down to 101, you feel like better shit.
    She has yet to confront a bunch of issues, and I think she still needs to confront them more directly.
    No self-harm, no ideations, just the feeling that something’s going to cut loose and she doesn’t want it around me because of my tough times right about now.
    And I sit here blaming myself for a whole lot of the external pressures that have piled up.

    It takes time, Mandi, it takes time.
    And the occasional “one step back” is part of the process. You need to allow it to be, ’cause it will be whether you like it or not. And that step back can be just another angle from which to look at yourself and learn something more.

    Hope you’re reading this sometime tomorrow (Tuesday) after a long, restful night’s sleep and a good start to the day.
    And somewhere inside of you, if you don’t know, you can likely figure out where it’s coming from.
    Backtrack a bit to figure out what led to what which led to…
    THIS.
    You’re an intelligent woman, very insightful, very self aware, and stronger than you give yourself credit for.

    I’ll try sending good thoughts your way, keep you in my prayers and won’t lose faith in you for what that’s worth.

    Take better than good care of yourself,

    Pops

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