I feel like a dollar store

I’m filled with a bunch of random things that don’t have anything to do with anything else that’s in here, and none of it is valuable and is doing nothing other than taking up space inside me. Like I’m an emotional hoarder. Yikes, that’s a scary thought. Have you ever watched that show?

Anyway, I’m not too sure what I’m writing about, what to report, what I’m feeling, what’s going on. It was a rough day. I had a lot of bad thoughts in my head today that I had to fight through all day. I want this week to be over already. It’s torture.

I’m not sure how I feel about things right now. I’m sorta sad. I got a salad and fruit tonight. I was really excited to eat the fruit but then there was a little bug on it 😦 I couldn’t eat it. I was bummed. The salad was really good though. My boyfriend and I get salads a lot. I want that experience again. I like when we do that. I like that we sit in his car to eat, too. I don’t have to be bothered with anxiety about other people being around.

I’m moving this weekend. I’m not packing. Nope. I have a whole moving strategy all planned on out in my head. Like I’ve created a mental video of what I will do and how and when, and when moving day comes, I will push ‘play’ and get it all done. I like doing things in abnormal ways. I feel like I beat a system or something. Who needs boxes? I hope it goes as planned. I’m waking up real early that day.

I need to go clean. Except I’m not doing any serious cleaning this week; only daily stuff like dishes and clutter. I’m doing all of my hardcore cleaning on Sunday when everything is out of here. That should be a fun day. I love cleaning. It’s one of my go-to escapes when I’m not ok inside.

Relationships are scary. People are unfaithful, unreliable, selfish. Especially all of the men in my past. I worry. A lot. I’m not sure I believe relationships are “forever” like they’re supposed to be. Or maybe its more that I believe that for me but need to stop believing it because I’m being naive and unrealistic and am setting myself up for heartbreak to think love lasts. That hurts me to think about. Then I worry I’m getting myself into something that will kill me later. Like I’m wrapped in bombs and I’ve voluntarily lit my own fuse for a period of time of something that finally feels good…until it explodes 😦 I’m not sure I was meant to feel good. At least not forever. The world is full of good and bad, right? That means there’s got to be victims. There’s got to be people who experience the shit end of things. I think that was my purpose. Abusers cannot exist without someone to abuse. Molesters can’t exist without someone to molest. Heartbreakers can’t exist without someone’s heart to break. Cheaters can’t cheat without someone to cheat on. That’s what I’m here for. It’s always been that way, and so I sort of have come to believe that maybe that’s what I’m here for. This may be why I’ve avoided things for so long that feel good. Good things end. Pain has been consistent for me in my life. Love has not been. What will I do if its taken away? This has been on my mind all day, mostly stemming from fears and slightly intense paranoia that some good things in my life currently, are fake. I’m being tricked; strung along…but why? It doesn’t make sense to me. I just feel very untrusting today. I want to build a barricade around my heart, another around me, and at least 3 more around the barricade itself, just for extra protection. Then I want to be buried in stuffed animals like a ball pit, but with stuffed animals. I want light to be taken so its completely dark, and I just want to stay there, quiet, smothered in soft stuffed animals, where I feel most safe and protected. Being alone and lonely with no chance of heartbreak, while painful, hurts less than opening up to be loved…and having it taken away 😦 I don’t like me right now. I don’t like my mind. I don’t feel safe at all. It’s all I want, to feel safe, and I don’t know how to get it 😦

 

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